


Beauty in the Broken

by allu-ria (waffelingaround)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Child Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, Thief!Killua
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 08:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5041765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waffelingaround/pseuds/allu-ria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Killua never made it ouside..."<br/>AU where Killua never escaped from home to take the hunter exam. After disastrous events, Killua is kicked out of his home at the age of 15 and a half, and is forced to live his life on the streets. After months, he finds a boy his age with spikey black hair and golden eyes being attacked by a gang. Fortuately, Killua was there just in time to save him...right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys, this is waffelingaround! I got the idea for this after seeing some post on tumblr about fingerless cat gloves for Killua... and now i have this. I will try my best to update often (It will most likey be weekly updates) If anyone wants to talk to me about this, my tumblr is  
> [allu-ria](http://allu-ria.tumblr.com/)

* * *

  _Looking at your pain an inch away, it's hard to see the plot_

_You wonder if your story's gonna change..._

_Don't know why, you are breaking_

_I know you want to let go..._

\- Beauty in the Broken, Hyland

* * *

 

Killua never made it outside.

He only needed to make one more step. One more step, and he could of have gone beyond the family gates, on his own terms. He could almost taste the freedom, and for the first time in his twelve years of existence, hope and promise filled his heart. Just one more step. Then he would be free. He wouldn’t have to kill. He wouldn’t have to carry the burden of ‘heir.’

The next thing Killua knew, his next step never hit the ground. His whole body jerked upwards, a large cold hand holding him from the back, face suddenly eye-to-eye with a man with long hair.

“Why, hello Kil. Where are you running off to? A job?” Said the tall man with lifeless, unblinking eyes.

"Or perhaps... running away?"

Silence. Killua only glared back.

“Oh Kil, I thought we had taught you better than that… I hope you realize that there is no escape.”

The words reverberated around Killua’s head, a sudden pounding at his temples. _No, no, NO,_ Killua thought, trying to keep his brother’s voice out of his head. It wasn’t working. With each word Illumi spoke, the headache got worse and worse. _Stop resisting… it’ll be less painful… you’ll never escape so give up now..._

“Well, it seems to best thing to do is give you more training until you’ve learned your lesson. Let’s go back, Kil, you still can’t handle the real world… not yet. You’re not strong enough. Maybe in the future, perhaps?” Killlua knew that Illumi was lying -  Killua would never be able to go outside by himself. No, he would never be allowed to do anything by himself. Killua struggled against Illumi's grip.

"Kil, did you already forget the most important lesson we taught you? Don't start a fight you can't win. Do you think you can beat me?"

Killua froze, and immediately stopped resisting. _I..._   _can't do it._ Defeated, Killua let himself be taken inside. 

_Pathetic, aren't I?_

For the rest of the day, Killua went through a particularly painful ‘training’ and spent most of his night immobile and puking, his body sore from the abuse. They had just introduced a new type of poison, and this one was much worse than all the others he had faced before. His throat burned and he felt has if his whole body was on fire. Eyes watering, he barely managed to stay sitting on his chair, only to find the foul liquid going down his throat again. Killua spluttered, and Illumi tsked from behind a glass wall.

“Kil, I thought you were better trained than this.”

Soon after, Killua was forced through and extra training session with Illumi. Killua hated these, mostly because it wasn’t training. Abuse was a better word.

 “For misbehaving,” Illumi whispered, and proceeded to whip his back. Killua didn’t know how, but even though Killua had been trained to bear the pain of whips, every time Illumi hit him felt like he had never been trained before.

Killua had to limp back to his room, barely able to speak and back bloodied. **  
**

He never tried running away again. At least, not until three years later…

But this time was different. For one, Killua was older and trained in nen. Secondly, KIllua had made sure Illumi would be on a job far away. The last time had been poorly planned and one of those ‘spur-of-the-moment’ ideas. Not this time. And most importantly, there was another person escaping with Killua.

 Her name was Alluka.

 _And there is no way I will fail this time._ Killua thought. _Alluka is depending on me!_

Killua could of have used Nanika’s wishes, but that would involve more complications. It made the plan easier for Killua to just take her and run.

So well into the night, Killua used his fingerless electrical gloves - his fourteenth birthday present - to break into Alluka’s prison room. Unfortunately, the blast was a little louder than expected. Killua hurriedly motioned Alluka to climb onto his back.

“Onii-Chan!”

“Shh… here we’re going to escape, ok? Just climb onto my back and hold on tightly.”

 Alluka silently nodded. Killua whispered ‘kanmaru’ and rushed out of the house.

 

Fate was cruel.

Just like last time, one more step was needed. One more step, and everything could of have turned out differently. As Killua shifted Alluka in order to push the testing gates, Silva dropped in from the sky. Killua, unable to stop running in time, ran full force into his father while Alluka flew off Killua’s back and into a tree.

“Ilumi said you were acting weird but this is not what I expected,” Said Silva, unfazed by the sudden impact from Killua.

“I am very disappointed in you, son.”

Killua felt the air leave his lungs. It didn’t matter, he didn’t care about his father’s approval… right? _Focus,_ Killua thought. _Alluka… Alluka!_

Killua whipped his head around behind him only to find his younger sister crumpled on the floor. Silva started to walk towards her. The gears slowly started to turn in Killua’s head.

“No, NO. Wait please. Please. She didn’t do anything wrong. Please - punish me. Punish me instead.” Killua was desperate now, emotion in his voice for the first time in years.

Silva looked back at his son and scowled. “Such a waste… so much potential…,” Silva muttered. He then picked Alluka up from the collar of her dress, her whole body limp. She started to violently cough. After a while, she looked up at Killua.

“It’s… ok Killua. It’s ok.” Alluka gave a small smile to Killua, before getting into another coughing fit. “Killua… no matter what happens… to me… please. Please promise.”

 

“Please promise you’ll live..., ok, Onii-chan?”

 

Killua was in tears now, on his knees and sobbing.

“Please, no. Wait.”

“Promise…” Alluka’s voice was getting weaker as Silva started to pressure Alluka's head.

“I… I promise.”

“OK, Killua, you promised!” This time it was Nanika. Despite the dire situation, Nanika and Alluka gave Killua the most radiant smile. Her whole face lit up, and her cheeks became rosy.

Time seemed to be slowing down. Silva gave a sigh, and looked at Killua’s broken face.

  
"You said ‘punish me,’ correct?” Silva asked. “Well then, here is your punishment, for going against me.”

And with a sickening crack, Silva crushed Alluka’s skull. Hot liquid flew onto Killua, and he could only think, “no no please, no, no.” Moment’s before her death - surely she knew what was coming -  Alluka had given Killua a look full of love, not hate. He swore he could hear Alluka say “I love you,” but Killua did not want to believe it _. How could she love… me?_ He had killed Alluka, brought her into the whole mess. Her blood was on Killua’s hands.  

 

Killua could only scream.

 

_Such a waste… so much potential…_

_There is no escape…._

  
  
  
  
_You promised._

_**  
** _

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a year since the incident. Killua has been reduced to a pocket thief. Thankfully, he has an easy target - a seemingly oblivious boy with spikey black hair and golden eyes.  
> All he has to do is go in at the right time to take some money.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, [ waffelingaround here! ](http://allu-ria.tumblr.com/) This chapter didn't go as well as I wanted it to... sorry about that. I'm always happy to take some constructive criticism, comment if you like! Shoutout to my beta group who really helped me with this!

* * *

  _Now we're always suffering,_

_Already lost_

_Always suffering_

_Already lost_

 

Always Suffering - Rolling Stones

* * *

 

 

Killua was watching.

Warm winds rustled through the abandoned area. Electric blue eyes scanned the horizon, eyes on a single target. He hung from the top of a 2 story office building, using his special gloves. They had been his fourteenth birthday gift.

“They stick to everything electrical. If you use your nen, you should be able to hold on to anything,” His father had explained. The accessory itself was fingerless, black, and covered his wrists. The palm held a bright blue circle which held the magnet. The soft black material was made to enhance nen. At the time, Killua had been amazed at the technology. _This is definitely helpful,_ He had thought to himself. But not anymore. The glove had only one practical feature. It was the little piece of cloth that covered his wrist. The thing that covered his disgusting weakness, his scars.

Killua hated himself for it. The whole reason he was kicked out the Zoldyck estate in the first place.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

After the incident, Killua woke up in his room. A desperate part of his wanted to believe that it was all a dream but in reality, Killua knew.

He had led his sister into a death trap.

Killua felt nothing. Or rather, couldn’t. As if the empathy and emotional side of his brain had become broken, unreachable.

The only thing he could really feel were physical things.

For the next month, Killua became a shell. He did nothing. Responded to nothing. His eyes were empty. He became desperate for something, anything, to feel. Whether it be a good feeling or a bad feeling, Killua didn’t care. His training sessions didn’t bother him anymore. He was used to it. Killua would of have killed himself long ago - but Alluka’s promise was something he could never break.

 **  
** _Stay alive._

 **  
** So Killua found that the best way to do something was to hurt himself.

Only once, Killua told himself. But soon, the one time turned into a second time and next thing he knew, he couldn’t stop. The pain had become addicting.

_It’s what I deserve._

He didn’t even need a knife. He simply used his claws in order to cut into his wrists. When the Emptiness became too much, he would excuse himself to the bathroom, desperate to feel something.

Illumi still continued his extra lessons. Not that it mattered to Killua - he didn’t mind.

After months, his family had finally had enough when they found him sleeping, thrashing around and clawing at himself.

He was having a nightmare, as always, about Alluka. This time, the nightmare was much worse and more vivid. It started the same. Alluka on his back. Getting stopped by Silva. Alluka giving Killua the undeserving smile and kind words that were not meant for him. But this time, when Silva made the lethal blow, everything had slowed down. The horrid dream showed Alluka’s head crumple under his father’s hand.

The most horrifying part was the forgiving smile that stayed on her face until the very end.

 

_I don’t deserve this…_

Killua woke up in tears, being restrained by his mother, father, and grandfather. His whole body was sore. It took him a second to register that he had been clawing at his whole body in his sleep. In a frenzied panic, Killua realized they had discovered the scars along his wrist, along with the ones on his body.

Thirty minutes later, Killua was called to his father’s office.

“Disgusting,” Silva said. “I tolerated you acting like an emotionless puppet but this is pathetic. You were taught and trained better than this.”

Killua gave no response. He mentally shuddered at the word puppet.

“Ever since the incident, your prodigal assassination skills have been decreasing. An utter disgrace to the Zoldyck name.”

Killua could only stare at nothing. Maybe this would of have hurt a year ago. Not now. Not ever. Nothing mattered anymore, except keeping Alluka’s promise.

“You’ve attempted to run away twice. Do you want freedom?”  
  
Killua wasn’t sure how to answer. His father had to be dealt with carefully.

“I… don’t know.” Killua spluttered out.

“I don’t know? I don’t know?” Silva was furious now - Killua had never seen his father so angry. “What kind of a pathetic excuse is that? The question was simple. Yes or No. You can't even answer a simple question like that?" 

Silva sighed, shoulders heaving. He was probably contemplating on how to deal with his sad excuse of a son. “...Get out of this house. You are no longer allowed on this property. You are no longer allowed to call yourself a ‘Zoldyck.’ From now on… we are strangers.”

Before Killua could process the words, he found himself being hoisted up by his father. Silva allowed Killua five minutes to gather some belongings. Barely understanding the situation, he grabbed some clothes, wore comfortable warm clothing himself, collected his life savings, put on his gloves and stuffed all of his emergency choco-robos along with some toiletries into a bag.

The albino didn’t even have time to put on shoes before being hoisted up again. In seconds, Killua was at the testing gates. Silva opened them with one hand and managed and quickly tossed Killua to the other side.

Moments before, Silva had muttered to Killua under his breath:

"You have lost your right to be an assassin. Come back and I will kill you. Try to get a job and I will kill your client. I’ll make sure everyone in the underground knows - you are nothing.”

“Have fun beyond the gates,” we’re the last words Killua had heard from his former family.

Apparently Silva was dead-serious in saying everyone would know that Killua was nothing. Everyone cowered in fear at the name Killua, afraid that they would be killed for mentioning another son. He was a walking taboo. In fact his ‘fame’ reached from the people in the underground to the general populace, and his white hair became infamous.

He couldn’t get a job, whether it was a normal one or underground work. Everybody was terrified of him.

_Monster..._

This was the curse of his father, forced to wander through streets.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Nearly six months later, Killua was still in the streets, reduced to a pocket thief.

Which was why he was watching someone. His target was a boy around his age with spiky black hair and golden eyes. He was wearing ridiculous green clothing and shorts that seemed a little too short. The most interesting feature was a missing right arm. The area was supposed to be deserted, which confused Killua. What was he doing here? Behind the boy followed a gang.

 _He’s completely oblivious, the fool,_ thought Killua. _He's going to be an easy catch. I won't even have to do anything - the gang will take care of it. Then I'll just swoop in and BAM._ Killua couldn't believe his luck. He had really scored jackpot.

Two stories high was not very high at all, but Killua made sure to stay in the shadows. He was wearing a black hoodie at the moment - a sad attempt to cover his white hair - but it never worked. White curls peeked out from under his hood, giving himself away. He had a bandana over his mouth and worn jeans and shoes taken from a dumpster. His gloves sparkled with energy.

After a while, the pursuers had confronted their target. Killua watched amused, as the boy’s face went from surprise and shock to panic. The pursuers started to say something, cornering the boy, spewing out some type of revenge speech. Typical.

The gang, four burly men who could apparently use nen, started to advance on the boy. They boy seemed terrified.

Killua wasn’t sure what made him do it. Pity, perhaps? Empathy? Both seemed unlikely, but whatever the reason was, Killua found himself getting closer to help the boy. _I'm just helping so that I can steal money from four people instead of one,_ he told himself. There was a building separating the two - with an easy jump, Killua managed to scale the other building. This one was much higher than two stories. Reaching the roof, Killua quickly hoisted himself up to see the situation.

What he didn’t expect was to see the boy looking straight at him, the four men knocked out cold.

Startled, Killua’s concentration slipped. With a desperate fumble, Killua tried his best to stay stuck to the building but no luck - his nen was cut short, and he felt himself fall.

 _Damn it,_ was the thought Killua had when his he crumpled onto the concrete floor, foot screaming in pain. He had been stupid enough to land on his two feet. His reflexes had been slow. _I’m losing it_ , Killua thought.

Killua couldn’t get up. His foot was completely ruined. Though the pain is nice, said a small voice in his head.

He didn’t know how long he lay there on the streets. He didn’t have to wait long for something to happen, soon enough, the strange boy was running towards Killua’s crumpled body. He seemed distressed.

“I’m so sorry! Are you lost?” asked the boy.

A strange question to ask despite the circumstances. Killua had been expecting something like, “Are you ok?” A small part of Killua had a feeling that this mystery boy was not talking about a directional sense of lost.

“I’m Gon. What’s your name?”

Silence. **  
**

“Ahh, that’s ok! You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I saw you on that building - and, well, you seemed shocked. I saw you fall, so I was wondering if you were ok!”

Killua only warily glared.

Gon swallowed nervously.

“You were… trying to help me, i’m guessing?”

Surprised, Killua nodded, then instantly regretted it. It felt as if his brain was whirling around in his head.

Gon noticed his discomfort. “Do… do you have a place to stay?”

Killua was taken aback by the question.

“You don’t right? Come to my house - we’ll treat you. I mean, it was because of me that you fell.”

Killua's head rung with alarm bells.

_A total stranger asked you to stay at his house._

Then.

_Wait… we’ll? Like, more than one person?_

And yet Killua found himself nodding. It wasn’t like he could go anywhere in his condition.

His head felt fuzzy. He couldn’t think straight. Was this a trap? A spy send by his father? He couldn’t tell. Suddenly, a soft hand softly his hand, pulling him up onto Gon’s back.

Killua swore by the way Gon softly grabbed his wrist that he knew. Gon knew of his scars. He knew that Killua was suffering. He knew that he was this close to doing it again, this close to breaking Alluka’s promise.

But that was impossible.

“Tell me if you’re uncomfortable.” Gon gave Killua a smile.

And that’s when Killua felt it - a tiny shift in his fate.

A red string that was now connected between the two of them.

The only thing Killua could do was pray that this time, things wouldn’t go so badly. That this time, somebody would save him from his suffering, that fate would be kind.

Pray that this time, the string would not snap.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silva is slightly OOC, sorry, but its for the sake of the plot.  
> [My next chapter is coming soon, so until then, why not read this fanfic? (Get ready for more feels)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4969111/chapters/11411950)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, this chapter took quite a while to make. So sorry but hey there's Leorio and Kurpika in this one so I guess that kinda makes up for it(?) Haha but anyways, please enjoy!

  

* * *

  _I’m singing this suffering song_

_My eyes are on fire_

_I’m thinking about what you said…_

_I’m fading away into nothing_

_I’m crossing the line_

_Voices surrounding my space_

_haunting but leaving no trace_

_Striking me down with disgrace_

_And wiping me away **  
**_

_Embracing my insanity…_

_My suffering’s my pleasure and pain… **  
**_

_For years they’ve been hunting me down_

_Teasing and pushing me around_

_No more, I’m finally done_

_Just let me sing my suffering song **  
**_

 

Suffering Song - Thunderstone

 

* * *

 

Killua soon fell unconscious on Gon’s back.

Gon thought carrying the white-haired boy back would be difficult, but Gon soon found out that the boy concerningly weighed almost nothing.  When Gon grabbed his wrist, all he felt was skin and bones.

And something else, he thought, but he quickly pushed the idea away. One problem at a time.

The most concerning issue was the high fever that ran through the albino. Gon was pretty sure that the mysterious boy had no idea he was sick. Even in a rested state, the boy seemed to have difficulty breathing. His whole body was covered in cold sweat. Ruined foot or not, Gon wouldn’t of have hesitated to lend a hand. It wasn’t just the physical state that had made Gon so desperate to help. It was the way the boy had stared at him - with those empty eyes. It made him shiver. He picked up his pace. Gon needed to bring him to Leorio as fast as possible.

Somehow, Gon knew. He knew that his boy around his age needed some help. Help that went beyond a broken foot.

_I’ll save you._

**~~~~~~~~~~  
**

 

Gon was wondering on how to open the door without disturbing the now-sleeping boy when Leorio absentmindedly stepped out.

“Oh hey Gon, Kurapika and I were just heading out to look for you. Where have yo-” Leorio paused mid-sentence. “Not another one. Who did you pick up this time?”

Gon sheepishly smiled. “I don’t know his name.”

“Every time you go out alone, you always bring in another person from the streets. This is why we don’t want you to go out by yourself!” Leorio scolded, and then gave a sigh. “They need medical attention, don’t they? Here, let me see.” He tilted his head slightly to the left, in order to see the boy better.  

As soon as he the saw white tufts of hair peeking out from under a black hoodie, Leorio’s face ashened.

“...Gon. Look at me. You know who that is, right?”

Gon nervously nodded his head. “Well, I’ve heard rumors. But I wasn’t positive on who he was.”

“He has white hair.”

“And?”

Leorio sighed, glaring at Gon.  

“Ok, fine. His name is Kil-”

Leorio immediately put his hand over Gon’s mouth.

“Not so loud! Do you want another death wish?”

“Sorry. OK. We all know who he is.”

The doctor looked desperate. “Gon, I’m sorry but -” **  
**

“Look, I can’t just leave him on the streets! You don’t need a doctor to see that he needs help,” Gon pleaded.

“Leorio, what’s the problem now?” Said a new voice. Gon’s heart instantly relaxed - it was Kurapika. Surely, Kurapika would think of a logical solution.

“Gon brought back - brought back…another one.”  
  
“And?”

“And it’s… you know who.” Leorio whispered.

Kurapika’s face immediately hardened. “No, Gon. Sorry. He’s too dangerous.”

“What’s wrong with us taking care of him? He fell from a five story high building. Because of me,” Gon hastily added. “I’m not asking much - I at least owe him a healed foot.”

Leorio started to talk when Gon abruptly cut him off.  

“I thought we knew better than to judge someone based on rumors. Am I right, Kurapika? What’s so wrong with taking him in?”

Silence.

Kurapika sighed, pinching his nose. “Just bring him in.”

Gon smiled brightly and carefully stepped into the house.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

**  
** “Water.”

The last few hours had gone by in silence, Leorio working furiously to keep the boy out of critical condition. The only time noise was made was when Leorio asked for something. Gon nervously fidgeted, while Kurapika stared at the albino with a calculating stare.

“I brought down his fever, and his foot is now properly splinted. When he wakes up, we should give him water ASAP. He’s extremely dehydrated and fatigued. We should also give him some nutrients - soup maybe? - and then after a good night’s sleep, he should be fine.”

Gon breathed a sigh of relief. He should be fine.

“I’ll go get some groceries then, to make something,” stated Kurapika. “We ran out of ingredients yesterday.”

“No, I’ll go!” Volunteered Gon. He had been idle for the past four hours and needed some exercise.

Kurapika seemed to understand, eyes softening a bit. “If you bring back another person, we’re kicking you out as well.”

Gon smiled and skipped to the door.

“Don’t worry, we have our hands full anyways.”

**~~~~~~~~~~**

**  
** Killua wasn't sure when It happened. He was on Gon’s back when suddenly, he was back home.

 _A dream,_ Killua realized.

_No... a nightmare._

He was running. It wasn't clear where he was going, he was simply running. Running away. Shadows loomed overhead. Someone -something - was chasing him from behind. He had to escape. Ahead of him appeared a clearing. A bright light. The shadows cleared and there was Alluka, smiling, being happy and _no he didn’t deserve her,_ and she looked at him and her smile seemed to grow brighter and suddenly his pursuer appeared, and Killua couldn’t breathe as Alluka’s eyes started to become lifeless and he had to run, _run away, he was a murderer, somebody was calling his name, he couldn’t breathe, his chest hurt, he deserved to die and -_

“KILLUA!”

Killua’s eyes opened and he was in a strange room with two strangers and he couldn’t help but start to panic again, and the horrible feeling was still there, the horrible feeling of losing control, he hated it so much, and Killua could feel his lungs closing up again and _he couldn’t breathe, no no NO._

“Killua! Killua, It’s ok. We won’t hurt you.”

Killua’s chest still hurt and he still couldn’t breathe, and he needed to feel something right now and he could feel his fingers sharpening and he was doing it again but he felt a heavy hand stop him. The albino tried his best to resist but the hands held him steady, and he was too weak, and a loud voice telling him to breathe. “Gon brought you back last night. He’s out right now, we’re his friends. It’s going to be ok, breathe,”

All Killua could do was unsteadily take a shallow breath.

“OK good, that’s fine, keep breathing. You are here. You’re safe, you’re ok. I’m Leorio, a doctor. I’m here to help, it’s fine.” The man called Leorio was a tall man with hair similar to Gon’s, but shorter. Round glasses sat perched on his nose, and he was wearing a crumpled blue suit. The tie was messily done too.

Killua’s senses were still garbled but he realized his situation - he had been lead into a stranger’s house and these people seemed to be holding him captive, possibly spies from his father. Would Illumi come back to take him home? Was this a secret test? Killua tensed his body to run but immediately remembered that his foot was broken when he tried to move. A hot spike of pain moved up his leg, making Killua wince.

“Jesus, calm down, we’re not going to hurt you!”

Killua shakily took another breath. He cleared his throat. “How - how do you know my name?” _When was the last time I said anything out loud?_

“Drink water first, then we’ll talk,” said a new voice. Killua tried to hold the glass by himself but then almost spilled the water everywhere, until Leorio stepped in. _When was the last time I drank water?_

“I’m Kurapika. If i’m not mistaken, you’re Killua? Your hair is hard to miss - it’s infamous.” His voice was cool, calculating. His eyes seemed to be hiding something - a dark grey-blue that seemed a little too dull. His hair was a light blonde, eyebrows arching in concern.

 _So that explains the gang attack on Gon,_ Killua thought. _They’re in underground business. Normal civilians wouldn’t know my name._

Leorio gave Killua a soft smile. “Hey, Gon should be back soon with some food soon,” At the mention of food, Killua’s stomach grumbled. _When was the last time I ate?_

 _When was the last time I did anything?_ Killua added in his head.

Just as Killua finished his cup of water, Gon walked back into the house, carrying multiple bags of groceries.

“Oh, you’re awake! Um… Killua, right?”

Killua nodded.

“Ok just wait a bit, Kurapika will make some food for you.”

At the mention of his name, Kurapika proceeded to go to the kitchen. It was dangerous to let Gon cook. After all, how was one supposed to cook with only one appendage? Not that he had been a great chef when he had both of his arms...

As Gon entered the living room, Killua finally got the opportunity to look around. He was sitting on a soft, comfy couch. The room was spacious, clean, and simple, with open windows and beige colored walls and wood paneled floors. Dark mahogany closets littered around the room. The front door led into the kitchen, which was connected to the living room. Behind him was a small hallway with what Killua presumed we’re bedrooms.

Killua wasn’t sure when it had happened but he found himself slightly trusting these people.

“Killua, you ok?” Gon asked. It took Killua a second to realize he had been zoning out.

“Mhmm.” he replied. He still felt weak, but he couldn’t let the other’s know. As soon as his foot healed, Killua was going to leave. Trust or no trust, Killua brought inconvenience wherever he went. It was better for him to be on the streets. The albino scratched at his wrist, the Feeling slowly creeping up on him. Killua scratched at his wrist more urgently.

He was soon stopped by a strong but firm hand. “Stop,” Gon said, voice laced with worry. _I did it again._ **  
**

“Oh. Sorry.” Killua managed to say. Desperate for a change of topic, Killua blurted out, “what day?” Smooth.

Thankfully, Leorio understood. “July 14th.”

_July… 14th?_

_Oh._

He had turned 16 exactly a week ago, and he had no idea. There was no point in trying to remember what he did that day - Killua couldn’t even remember two days ago clearly. Gon immediately noticed the change of expression on Killua’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

“It was my birthday last week.” The truth stumbled out of his mouth before he could even think.

Gon blinked. “Really?” Then, a huge smile broke out onto his face.

“It’s kinda late, but let’s celebrate!” A pause. Then, “how old are you now?”

“16.”

Leorio was also grinning. “Kurapika, make something extra tasty! We have a birthday to celebrate!”

Suddenly, Killua was surrounded by three people he barely knew, and they were singing a song he had never heard before.

“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to Killua, Happy Birthday to you!” Gon was the most enthusiastic singer, with Leorio belching out and Kurapika softly humming. It was a bit overwhelming.

“What… what song was that?” Killua asked in between being spoon fed. He was still to weak to carry anything.

Gon’s eyes bugged out. “You’ve never heard of it before?” Killua only stared, confused. “Well, it’s what you usually sing at every birthday!”

“Why would you do that?”

“To celebrate of course!” Killua looked genuinely confused at the idea of celebrating a birthday.

Gon opened his mouth to go into a detailed explanation, but simply said “Ah, never mind.”

Kurapika was rummaging around in the kitchen when he said, “We don’t have any cake, but we do have chocolate.”

Killua gave what he assumed was supposed to be a smile. _How do I express that I really like chocolate? I haven't had chocolate in months..._

Gon laughed at the expression of Killua’s face - and he was surprised. _Is that what laughter sounds like? Was my smile authentic enough to believe?_

Killua was lost in thought until he was interrupted.

“Killua, while I was doing a medical check-up… I couldn’t take of your gloves. Could you take them off so I can finish my check - up?” Leorio asked kindly.

Killua’s attempt to smile was now completely gone.  

“No.”

“Bu-”

“Please. Stop.” Killua hadn’t meant to sound so desperate but it did. He quickly shoved the feelings of guilt back down his throat.

Killua’s appetite was ruined. He did his best to express bliss when eating. _Even chocolate doesn’t help,_ Killua thought bitterly. Either he was a great actor at pretending or the others were polite enough to not point it out. It was probably the latter.

“Night.” Killua said when he had finished eating. Ignoring the itch on his wrist, the other’s concerned stares, and the feeling of Emptiness threatening to completely take over, he rearranged himself on the couch and pretended to sleep. It wasn’t long until Killua had stopped pretending. His soft snores soon filled the room.

**~~~~~~~~~~  
**

“Symptoms of PTSD and panic attacks, evidence of both physical and mental abuse... ,” Leorio’s voice cracked. “I… I don’t know what to say.”

When Leorio had begrudgingly let the albino in, he was expecting a cold-hearted killer who found pleasure in other’s suffering.

What he didn’t expect was a boy who seemed to carry the world on his shoulders and not know the happy birthday song.

Kurapika and Gon seemed to thankfully understand.

“I know… it’s… hard to watch,” Kurapika managed to say.

“We can help him, right?” Gon asked. He seemed desperate.

Leorio bit his lip. He wasn’t sure how the answer the sixteen year old boy. “We can try.”

“Of course, we’ll try our best,” Said Kurapika.

None of them mentioned Killua’s smile.

None of them mentioned that it had been so... fake that Gon had literally laughed out loud.

“Let’s take shifts into the night,” Kurapika suggested.

Gon immediately jumped up. “I’ll do first shift.”

Before the other two could resist, Gon made himself comfortable on a nearby chair.

 _We can try but… I think Gon will be able to do it,_ Kurapika thought.   _After all he did save me._

Gon stared intently at Killua’s sleeping face.

_I’ll save you._

_Don’t worry, I’ll save you._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

“Papa can you believe it? It’s only been a year and it has already been subdued. See here, I even have video evidence!”

“Not at the table, Milluki. It’s rude.”

“Sorry Mama.”

“Anyways dear, I think this ‘experiment’ has gone on for long enough. Let’s bring him back. We’ve been keeping track of him all this time, It shouldn’t be a problem.”

“That person is no son of mine.”

Kikyou sighed. “Is this plan even going to work?”

Silva grunted. “Illumi.”

“Yes, father?”

“Let’s not let him be influenced by others. This plan must go accordingly. Track him down, but do not kill him. Understood?”

“...Yes, father. I’ll do whatever it takes… to bring him back.”

 ****  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said before Silva is kinda OOC, but it's all for something. Next chapter should be up in a week maximum. Thanks so much for actually reading my fic!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter being a little shorter than I wanted it to be... sorry guys. Feel free to leave feedback, positive or negative. Is the story going to fast? Should I slow it down? I'm always open to some constructive critisism! Special thanks to my friends who are really helping get the courage to post my writing... and to you readers. Sounds corny I know but hey it's true.

 

* * *

_I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing,_

_With a broken heart that’s still beating_

_In pain there is healing_

_In your name I find meaning_

_So I’m holdin’ on, i’m holdin’ on, i’m holdin’ on_

_I’m barely holdin’ on to you_

-Broken, Lifehouse

* * *

“No.”

“Come on, please?”

“No.”

“Killua~~~” Whined Gon. It was a warm Saturday morning, with a soft summer breeze wafting around.

“You need fresh air! Killua, you’ve been sitting around for weeks.”

Gon was hoping that the last comment would make Killua realized that going outside was the smart choice, but - nothing. Killua only stared back with unrelenting eyes.

It had been about three weeks since Killua had taken refuge in Gon’s house. Amazingly, Killua had recovered in a few weeks instead of the months Leorio had predicted. Yet, Killua was still physically weak, and hadn’t gone outside ever since he was brought into the household.

Within those weeks, Gon realized a couple of things about Killua.

One, Killua rarely spoke, unless spoken too. And even when he was speaking, Gon had to strain his ears to hear. He made sure to make conversation as often as possible, trying to get Killua used to speaking daily. In the first week, Killua would only respond with head movements. Soon, Gon was asking questions without yes or no answers, and Killua was forced to talk.

Two, Killua was stubborn. Almost as much as Gon was. He was also lazy. Which was infuriating - the albino never wanted to do anything except sit and eat chocolate.

Lastly, the most important realization, was that Killua was not empty. The lifeless eyes and motions that Killua went through with every day we’re not exactly dead.

Broken. Broken was a better word. Like glass that had shattered into a million pieces, the small fragments almost invisible, but still there. On rare occasions - sometimes -  a miniscule piece would catch a bit of light and shine ever so softly before returning to normal.

It was progress.

But what was happening now - not progress. Gon tried his best to try and move Killua from the couch, but surprisingly, despite being as light as a feather, Killua wouldn’t budge. Gon pulled at Killua all the harder, determined. It was Kurapika who suggested the idea earlier.

_Since Killua can walk, why don’t you take him out? I’m pretty sure he needs the exercise._

Gon thought the idea was perfect.

Killua hated the idea.

“Come on, Killua, don’t be a bad sport,” grumbled Leorio from the kitchen.

“Why don’t you want to go?” Asked Gon.

Killua simply shrugged.

“What are you, a vampire?” The raven hair boy scoffed. “You need the Vitamin D! Right Leorio?”

“Mhmm,” the doctor replied.

Killua only half-heartedly nodded with silence.

“Is...  Is it because of your hair?”

At this, the albino tensed, and Gon knew he had hit bullseye.

“It’s fine, just - just cover it with your hood.” An awkward silence followed. Killua’s hair was too curly and long to be contained by the hoodie he currently was wearing. “Here, let me get a sweatshirt.”

Gon left and brought back a oversized hoodie. Begrudgingly, Killua let Gon put it on.

There was no mistaking that Gon was bigger than Killua. With broader shoulders and a well-toned body, compared to Killua’s.... lankiness, it was no surprise that the hoodie was multiple sizes too large. The hood covered Killua’s whole face and the sleeves went up to Killua’s knees.

Gon laughed, a sound Killua had become accustomed to. It was quite nice actually, the sound of laughter.

“I got an extra large one, sorry about that. Anyways, you should have no problem with your hair now, right?” Gon wiggled his eyebrows. “Problem solved - Aren’t I a genius?”

Gon almost missed it - the quick flash of brilliant blue in Killua’s eyes. The soft, “fine,” that was mumbled.

Progress, Gon thought to himself, and Killua finally lifted himself from the couch. With wobbling steps, the two teens made their way outside. It was almost a comical sight - a boy with an oversized sweater and another with a missing limb, hobbling deeper into the city.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Killua wasn’t sure what made him think that going outside was a good idea.

It scared him.

Not the park they were currently at. The change.

The change in his situation. They change in his lifestyle. The change in the way people treated him.

The change in himself.

It made him want to run, run, run away just like all the other times. It seemed that all Killua did was run. He could feel himself unwinding, feel himself simply changing, and he wasn’t sure if it was him breaking more or being fixed.

The past few weeks had been like a dream, and yet like cruel reality. He knew that it this peaceful period of time could only last so long. Soon, Killua would have to take off his gloves and Leorio, Kurapika, and Gon would all see his scars and emptiness and either abandon him or use him. It was just the way life went for Killua, it was just what always ended up happening.

_No way… can kindness last so long._

The only thing that was keeping him from running away was - was -

“Hey Killua, you ok? You seem pale,” interrupted Gon.

Killua nodded. “I’m fine. Just… tired. I haven’t walked in a while.”

“Well we’ve been walking for a while. Let’s sit down.” Gon grabbed Killua’s wrist in the same way he had before, in the abandoned part of town, with unbelievable softness -  and led the stumbling albino into a bench.

“Isn’t the weather so nice?” Gon hummed, closing his eyes and swinging his feet.

“Yeah,” mumbled Killua. The rising sun was casting rays along the treetops, sending shadows down onto where Gon and Killua were sitting. The weather truly was beautiful.

_You are light... I’m sorry that I can’t do anything. Even so, can I still stay by your side?_

_Maybe this time, things will be different._

 

_Gon… I’m holding on to you._

 

_So don’t let go._

__

_Save me._

__

**~~~~~~~~~~**

It was well into the evening when the pair started their way home.

Killua was exhausted. His whole body felt burdened, and his eyes were unfocused.

“Come on, Killua, only a few more blocks left,” said Gon encouragingly. It was clear that the other was worried. “Want me to piggyback you?”

With difficulty, Killua stubbornly shook his head.

“I shouldn’t of have strained you so much - you’re still recovering,” Gon muttered to himself.

Killua wasn’t sure how he did it - but he managed to get to the house without collapsing. As soon as he had unceremoniously entered the living room, the white haired boy flopped onto the couch.

“Welcome home,” said Kurapika, amusedly watching from one of the living room chairs. He was drinking tea and reading a book, while Leorio was watching T.V.

“We had lot’s of fun!” said Gon excitedly, still brimming with energy. “It was hilarious, I made Killua try out the swings and...”

Soon, the four were sitting comfortably in the living room, sharing stories after dinner. Surprisingly, Killua felt wide awake. The four of them together… for some reason, it felt… _natural._

Killua snuggled deeper into the sofa, letting the stories blanket around him.

Though his face didn’t show it, Killua was… enjoying this. Enjoying the light atmosphere and banter. It felt like what was supposed to be a family.

“Once, Gon was stupid enough to _charge straight at him,_ he could of died! And you will not believe this…,” Leorio animatedly told.

Evening then turned into night and of course, Killua had not shared anything. The other three told stories of past memories, and even though Killua had not been there in those moments, he didn’t feel excluded.

The silver haired boy had been meaning to ask a question since the beginning. “Umm…” Killua had barely made a sound yet the other three attentively put their attention on Killua. The albino swallowed, nervous. “How… did the three of you meet?”

Silence.

“That’s… a long story,” Kurapika finally said after a while. Leorio sighed, and gave Killua a smile.

“If you don’t mind staying awake for another couple of hours, I guess we could tell you.”

Killua only nodded.

“Four years ago…”

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Four years ago, the trio met on a ship. At the time, Gon was only 12, with Kurapika being 17 and Leorio as 19.

They had gained each other’s trust on the way to where the Hunter Exam would take place. They stuck together for most of the whole Exam.

“It was fun but… I felt as if we were missing something. I don’t know, it was just a hunch,” interjected Gon in the middle of the story.

Killua vaguely remembered trying to run away for the first time four years ago. He quickly blocked the memory.

“After I passed the Exam, Hisoka - the creepy guy I told you about - whispered to me that he would be waiting at Heavens Arena. I needed to return the tag, so while Leorio and Kurapika went off on their separate ways, I prepared to train.” Gon paused, deep in thought. “To be honest… It was lonely. I met these wonderful people named Zushi and Wing - people who taught me nen, actually! - but still…”

Killua blinked attentively.

“I managed to give back the tag. I met up with Kurapika and Leorio in York New City…”

Kurapika cleared his throat.

“You see… I am… the last survivor of the Kurta Clan. My kin were murdered by the ruthless group known as the Phantom Troupe. I… was filled with rage and thoughts of revenge. My only focus was getting back by brethren's eyes. I got a bad reputation after the exam and In York New City… I… I,”

Killua could tell Kurapika was struggling with the topic. _The Phantom Troupe. Silva told me to stay away from them..._

Leorio put a hand on Kurapika’s shoulder. “If you want, we can tell the rest of the story.”

Kurapika looked as if he were about to argue, but then settled down into his chair.

“Kurapika found the troupe in the city - and went after them.” Leorio’s voice became quieter. For once Gon was completely still.

“We… didn’t believe the rumors at first. But we found his body in a dark alleyway,” Leorio’s voice cracked a bit. “He had taken on a spider - and won.”

Killua would of have whistled appreciatively but felt that the mood was not right.

“The spider’s were now targeting Kurapika… and if it wasn’t for Gon…,” The doctor trailed off, looking at the other two to continue.

“If it weren’t for Gon, I wouldn’t be alive. He helped me clear my head, and overcome the grief,” Kurapika muttered. “I’m sorry i’m being vague - it's simply difficult to talk about. It’s been awhile since then but the Spiders are still wary of me. Which is why - “ Kurapika pointedly looked at Gon - “we try to keep our profile low.”

“And that’s kind of like a basic summary,” concluded Leorio. “After four years, we all decided to rent a house together  - it’s safer to stick close. It’s hasn’t been long since we got this house. Maybe six months ago?”

Killua blanched at the mention of six months ago. That had been when he had lost his home. Not that the Zoldyck Mansion had felt like one.

The albino also noticed that the subject of Gon’s arm was avoided, and not much in - depth information was shared. Not that it mattered - Killua himself was witholding information. Both parties were guilty. The albino was surprised when the doctor had yawned and exclaimed:

“Holy crap it’s 2 am! Well, i’m going to sleep guys. ‘night.”

“I shall retire too,” Kurapika nodded, getting up. “Good night to you all.” Giving direct eye-contact to Killua, the blonde added, "It was nice talking to you, Killua. I hope next time, you'll share some stories too

The former assassin knew that Kurapika was silently asking for Killua to take of his gloves, or at least tell why he was kicked out of the Zoldyck Mansion.

 _If there is a next time... I'll try._  

Killua opened his mouth to speak but his throat immediately dried up.

_Not yet though, I don't think i'll be able to share._

Killua felt the sleepiness catching up on him. They had not gotten him a bed yet, So Killua stayed on the couch. After Leorio and Kurapika left, Killua closed his eyes and immediately fell asleep. **  
**

**~~~~~~~~~~**

It was almost exactly like all the past nights - darkness, running away, shadows, screaming, lungs closing up and being shaken awake by whoever was there. Most of the time it was Gon and Killua muttering ‘sorry’ for bothering whoever had been asleep while his heart was still beating wildly.

“It’s ok, shh…,” whispered Gon as he did every night. But this time was different. This time, when Killua opened his eyes after letting Gon embrace him, outside the window was a sight that almost made Killua throw up.

It was the lifeless eyes and long hair of his brother.

It was the face of Illumi.

Killua felt a tiny scream from the back of his throat.

_It isn’t possible… how? how? What do they want from me? They left me on the streets, what more are they asking me to do?_

Killua didn’t realize that Gon was shaking him and saying his name until he felt a smack across his cheek.

“KILLUA! BREATHE!”

With shaking hands, Killua pointed to the window.

There was nobody there now.

_No no no I saw him I swear…_

Gon looked at Killua with concern.

“I s-swear… my… my brother was j-just there…,” Killua chattered. Gon only looked at the window disbelievingly.

“Your brother? What kind of person is he?”

The albino shook his head vehenemately.

“No no no no no no no.” Killua knew he was making no sense but he couldn’t think straight and his heart was beating too fast for him to make coherent thought and he needed to tell Gon that he wasn’t hallucinating and Illumi had been there and they we’re all in trouble and Killua had to leave and -

“Killua. Killua, calm down. Please.” The albino then noticed the slight panic in Gon’s voice. “It’s ok, I swear, there’s nothing out there, please, breathe.”

Killua focused on Gon’s eyes - a sweet caramel color that seemed to always calm him down.

_It was probably nothing… right?_

“I-i’m sorry. I’m sorry i’ll just - just go back to sleep,” Killua mumbled. _Don't make it harder for yourself, Killua. Just pretend it was nothing._ He was slightly surprised when he felt a hand run through his hair when he had settled down into a sleeping position.

“So soft,” Gon whispered.

It was strangely nice, the feeling of soft tender hands combing through his hair.

The rest of the night went on like this, with Killua slowly but steadily falling into a peaceful slumber.

_If Illumi is really here…_

_I’m going to have to leave._

_Even if it hurts a little bit,_

_I can’t let… I can’t let the same thing as before happen again._

_I’m not sure if I can survive..._

_another incident like Alluka’s_

_and I have to stay alive._

 

_I promised._

 

_So i’ll act tomorrow._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

A full moon hung low from the sky, and in the shadows was a tall man with long silky black hair and large eyes.

_My presence still strikes fear within him._

_Very good. That will make things easier..._

_Now all that is left is for him to come to me…_

  
_He will act tomorrow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the next chapter will be a bit longer, so it'll probably take a little longer than usual to update. Thanks again for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika decide to call their friend Bisky, their friend who is also a great therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oohhhhh boy. Man. So sorry this chapter took FOREVER to write. I just had so much schoolwork and writer's block. Writing this chapter was no joke. I did try to make this chapter longer as promised... not sure if that worked... sorry guys. Hopefully my next chapter will be updated soon. Thanks so much for waiting guys.

 

* * *

  _It takes time_

_to heal the wounds i've made along the way_

_If I'm blind_

_Open my eyes 'cause I need to see again_

 

_If I can feel again_

_will you tell me now_

_Or wait till im broken down again_

_save me now_

_I'm broken_

 

_If I bleed_

_my lies won't fill the emptiness_

_I just need_

_for something real to open up my mind_

 

_I'm breaking down_

-Breaking Down, Stardust 

* * *

Killua woke up with dread.

He was surprised to see that Gon’s hand was still in his hair. Gon had fallen asleep on the couch with Killua, his body twisted in an awkward angle in order to make the albino comfortable.

_Idiot. He should of have just slept in his room, he didn’t have to make himself sleep uncomfortably just for me…_

Killua watched the other boy sleep. It was early in the morning, too early for depressing thoughts. Yet, Killua couldn’t help but let his mind wander. _Was Illumi really here? Do I really have to leave? No - it doesn’t matter if he was really here or not, it’s dangerous for me to stay here any longer… I… I should leave… I have to leave… I can’t put Gon and Kurapika and Leorio in danger, right? They’ve done so much for me. No, I can’t be selfish. I don’t want to let that sort of thing happen again… not again… please no..._

At one point Killua must of have started hyperventilating. It was happening often. Killua had to get out of the habit of getting lost in his thoughts. Gon woke up, drowsily blinking and staring at the albino with concern.

“Killua? What’s wrong? Another nightmare?”

It was the perfect leverage for an excuse, yet Killua found himself shaking his head.

“No? Then what is it?”

 _Damn, why did I say no?_ “I, uh, no. I mean, nothing.”

Gon frowned. “It obviously wasn’t nothing.”

Killua thickly swallowed. _Damn damn damn I can’t think of anything… What can I say? The truth is out of the question. If they knew the truth… they would hate me. But then again, wouldn’t they hate me if I just left? So they’ll hate me no matter what I do… what should I say? What do I say?_

Gon gently rustled Killua's hair. “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, don’t stress about it.”

“Thank you,” breathed Killua.  

Gon finally removed his hand from Killua’s hair. Suddenly Killua realized just how warm and comforting Gon’s touch had been. It had been in the silver mess for so long that he had grown accustomed to it. The two boys untangled themselves from the couch and made their way to the kitchen. Kurapika was already up, silently making coffee while Leorio himself had just gotten out of bed. It was the first morning that Killua was joining the trio for breakfast, and it was strange seeing Leorio not in a suit.

“Morning Killua, what would you like for breakfast?” hummed Kurapika from the stove.

The silver haired boy only shrugged.

“I’ll have whatever.” Kurapika nodded as the sound of sizzling oil filled the room.

“Did you sleep well?” yawned Leorio, scratching the stubble on his chin. **  
**

Gon nodded. “He only had one nightmare this time, I think.”

“Were there any flashbacks? Or anything else?” Leorio kindly asked.

“No, I’m good,” Killua mumbled. “I’ve been feeling better lately. Thanks.”

Leorio perked up. “Really? That’s good to hear.”   

A steaming plate of toast, fried eggs, bacon, and waffles was in put in front of Killua seconds later. The boy looked up, surprised.

“You didn’t have to make me so much food, Kurapika…”

“Eat up, Killua -  you barely consume anything except for chocolate. This should be a good amount,” said Kurapika while serving Gon and Leorio as well.

It was an amazing breakfast - Killua was still getting used to having food available at all times. Killua hadn’t even taken his second bite before Gon let out a satisfied sigh and put his crumb-free plate into the sink.

“Thanks for the meal Kurapika!”

_How the hell did he eat so fast? He doesn’t even have one of his arms and yet he eats three times faster than I do…_

Killua was finishing the last of his breakfast - he would eat it all even if it made him throw up - when Leorio, who had stayed silent once food was in front of him, spoke up.

“Hey Killua, are you willing to meet someone new today?”

Killua tensed up, both curious and on alert. Mostly alert.

“We have a friend named Bisky who wants to meet you.”

“Does she know who I am?” asked Killua suspiciously. Who the hell wants to meet me?

“Yeah but don’t worry - she doesn’t care about that,”  Gon said while waving his hand.

Killua’s eyes narrowed. “What does she want from me?”

“She just wants to meet you,” Kurapika said, his voice smooth. “She’s good at therapy. If you don’t mind, she should be coming over in about... ten minutes?"

" _Ten minutes?_ “

Um yeah. Sorry we didn’t tell you sooner,” said Gon. “It kind of slipped my mind. But, it’s a a good chance.”

_Therapy? This might be tough. Damn, there’s no getting out of this… I’ll just quickly meet her and get out. Yeah, that’s a good plan._

“Fine. Whatever.”

“She’s really nice! She’s a great nen teacher and therapist, even though she might be kinda tough… she means well. She’s also really strong! You’ll like her, I think.”

“Remind me again why she wants to see...me?” Killua almost said someone like me, but stopped himself. _That answer would raise questions._ The albino was feeling a bit queasy from such a big breakfast but he was positive he could keep up his facade for a few more hours. _Just act like you’re fine and entertain her. I should be fine._

Killua didn’t have to wait long. Soon, there was a knock at the door and the so called ‘Bisky’ let herself in. **  
**

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Destiny had planned this exact moment, Killua would think later. It was so electrifying of a scene that there was no way that it was a coincidence or mere chance.

A woman with red eyes, blonde curls tied into a bun, and a puffy red dress came in, already taking off her shoes.

“Hey Bisky!” Greeted Gon cheerfully.

It was as if the world had slowed down. Bisky turned her head to face the four and her eyes met with Killua’s.

It for only a fraction of a second - and yet, Killua felt shivers go up his spine.

_She’s… amazing._

_How…?_

Because in that fraction of a second - Bisky had seen through it all.

Past his facade. Past his emptiness, past his walls and defences that Killua had spend years building.

When dull blue met bright red, Bisky saw the truth.

That Killua wasn’t empty. Far from it. He was so filled with emotion that it was beginning to overflow and it was getting harder and harder to contain each day. But for all these years, the albino had ignored it, ignored the warning bells, and locked it up deeper and deeper inside, cutting at himself not because of the Nothing, but because of the overwhelming threat of Something.

Ever since Alluka, Killua had locked everything in. At this point, it was too late to let everything out. There was too much. If he let go - it would hit him worse than when Alluka had passed.

He was holding so much inside, but he had convinced everyone - including a part of himself - that there was nothing to look at, nothing there. That inside, he was shallow and there was nothing past the walls upon walls upon walls that had been built by himself.

Everyone except Bisky.

Through eye contact that lasted less than a second, Bisky saw through Killua as easily as one would blink.

And the whole situation was so terrifying that Killua felt the need to run away stronger than ever before.

Killua himself didn’t know just how deep he had buried himself until that moment. Seeing understanding flash through Bisky’s eyes, Killua himself realized.

That he was not going to keep his facade up for much longer. He would be lucky if it lasted the next ten minutes.

That his ‘strong’ defence was not that strong at all, in the face of this woman.

The albino swallowed dryly. The whole moment had only lasted seconds yet so much had been understood.

“Oh, you must be Killua!” Said Bisky with enthusiasm. She cleared her throat, and promptly sat down at the table.

“I’m sure the others have told you about me but let me introduce myself. My name is Biscuit Kruger but you can just call me Bisky. I’m a nen teacher, and I love collecting jewels. Nice to meet you!”

“Uh, yeah, nice to meet you…” Killua mumbled.

“Don’t be so tense - here, relax.” Next thing the albino knew, he was getting the a massage from a nen-being that had been emitted from Bisky. Killua got ready to bolt out of panic, but was held back back by the massage lady.

“Uh, sorry. Didn’t mean to do that.” Soon, Killua found himself lying down on a couch. The tender massages slowly put Killua more and more relaxed.

“So, how are you?" Bisky asked. Her voice was smooth, making Killua more drowsy.

“Uh, good, I guess.”

“I guess?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m not so sure.” _Damn you massage lady,_ Killua thought. _I’m too relaxed right now. At this rate, they’ll know everything._

“What are you unsure of?”

Either the other three knew that Bisky had figured something out about Killua or they we’re amazingly oblivious. They stayed silent. Gon gave him a bright smile, edging him on to share.

“I’m unsure of… everything.” _Why am I saying the truth…_

He was met with silence, a sign to elaborate.

“I’m… not sure… If…,” Killua closed his eyes, voice quieting and breath shortening as he tried to continue. “If I deserve…”

“If you deserve to be here?”

“Yeah,” Killua breathily sighed. “If I deserve to be here. If I can stay here for any longer.”

“What makes you think you won’t be able to stay any longer?” Killua understood what Gon meant when he had described her as ‘tough.’ Bisky did not hesitate to ask questions demandingly.

“I’m… not too sure. It’s just that everything so far… when I think everything is going well… it gets taken away…” Killua’s breathing hitched. He couldn’t say anything more. “I appreciate… your therapy… but I don’t want to talk anymore.” Killua was slowly unraveling and letting his secrets show… any more questions and he might crumble.

Of course, Bisky knew that.

“Killua. I understand if you don’t want to talk but… we’re here for you. It’s going to be fine.”

Killua managed to shake his head. _No, no it isn’t._

He was showing weakness. It was something that had been drilled into his head - _if you’re enemy is stronger - don’t show hesitation. Act confident. Don’t show that you’re weak. If you act stronger then you are they will overestimate you, and then you can run. Don’t actually fight - remember what father and I always tell you? Never fight anyone stronger._

There was a pulsing pain in his forehead and his head hurt, and he couldn’t focus. _It’s not fine I’m so weak and pathetic look at me now I can’t even talk about something that shouldn’t matter anymore what  -_

“-llua?” This was Gon’s voice, shaking him out of his stupor.

 Killua, shaking, nodded. A sign that he back.

“Hey,” said Bisky, bringing the attention back to her. “I recommend you take my advice seriously: wake up! You’ve had someone taken away from you, right? Well, whoever that person was wouldn’t like you being and acting like this.”

Killua shook his head. Alluka wouldn’t like it at all…

“It’s not like I can help it…” Killua desperately mumbled.

Bisky’s voice softened. “I know. It isn’t your fault. But that’s not what we’re talking about. What we’re talking about is what is what you do with your situation. I know it’s hard… but trust us. We’re your best bet, I’m sure we can help.”

“You may be living, but you’re not alive.”

Killua stopped breathing. His once relaxed state was replaced with disappointment in hemself.

_“Promise… promise to stay alive!”_

Had he... broken the promise?

Because, like everything else Bisky had said in the past few minutes, she was right.

Killua understood what was being said, but could not apply it to himself.

How was one supposed to move on? How was he supposed to ‘wake up?’ How could he escape his past, when there were people from his past haunting him and tracking him down?

What did he have to do to fix himself?

 Killua realized that tears we’re falling down for the first time since his childhood days. These were real tears, the albino noticed. _Why do I feel numb even though I’m crying? Shouldn’t I be sad? I am I that broken that I can’t even cry normally?_

No no, he couldn't be fixed, he was too broken, damaged beyond repair.

Killua realized he was being hugged , tears still streaming down.

“Killua, i’ll help you. I’ll help fix you yourself and become alive again,” said Gon, clutching Killua. “Just trust me.”

Killua felt his mouth open and close, no sound coming out. “I-i’m so-sorry… bu-but… i’m not sure… if I can...”

“Just trust me!”

“Just trust us,” said Leorio, joining the hug.

“Killua,” said Bisky, her voice losing their rough edges. “It’s going to be ok.”

“Let us help you,” Kurapika added.

Killua felt a sharp pain where his heart was supposed to be.

_Is this… feeling?_

_I can’t. Please._

_I can’t let them in._

_They’ll only harm themselves, trying to fix the mess inside of me. I can’t let anyone else get hurt because of me…_

Killua pushed himself out of the hug.

“No…” he managed to croak out. “I can’t - I can’t…,” at this point, Killua knew he was just repeating the same words but it didn’t matter anymore. He felt his mind was deteriorating and the Something was stronger than ever and he needed to escape and he didn’t realize that he was cutting into skin until he felt strong hands stopping him.

Deep down, Killua knew it was only Bisky trying to help, yet, Killua couldn’t help but be reminded of his extra training sessions from Illumi. Suddenly, he found himself in an all too familiar setting, back at home, the shouts of Bisky and the rest fading out into background noise.

“Killua, you’ve been failing your tests lately…” Killua shuddered. He felt his shoulders being shaken back in the real world yet… he couldn’t get out of this one.

“ _Let me teach you a lesson_.”

The pain felt real. The smell of blood was as strong as ever. The lifeless eyes of his brother was still piercing, despite the memory being years old.

Illumi could do terrible things with his needles. The cold metal pierced a part of Killua’s head.

_“I just altered your nerves for a bit, making it so that you’re 50x more susceptible to physical pain. If you can handle this, then you’ve done training well.”_

It was cruel. Killua screamed as he felt a whip against his bear back.

_That’s not good at all. Let’s try again._

More screaming. This wasn’t training. This - this was torture.

There was blood, his blood, everywhere and he wanted to escape and run and - “

“killua…” it was a faint whisper, and yet, he held on to it desperately

“killua.. Killua. KILLUA!”

The last one snapped the albino out of his flashback.

Heart beating wildly, Killua shook as he felt someone hugging him. He was still disoriented, sweat dripping down his nose. His arms were wet with what Killua assumed was his blood. He couldn’t tell who was hugging him, and he was still shaken up from the flashback. _No physical contact yet…_ Killua pushed himself away.

It was when Killua had noticed his arms we’re gloveless that he completely broke down.

Fear took over his heart. He didn’t mean to harm anyone, but the fear of abandonment, the fear of his weakness to be discovered - it overruled all logic. Nen burst out of Killua with a shocking explosion, quite literally.

Fortunately, It was Bisky who was restraining Killua. Anyone else, and that person could of died. Even so, Bisky was thrown backwards by the force, breaking a table in half. Electric currents swirled around Killua, his eyes bright and wild. Was Killua screaming? He couldn’t tell. He just wanted to repel everyone away. They all want to use me and hurt me…

“ILLUMI, STOP!” Was Illumi even here? Killua couldn’t remember.

Of course, Gon, being the idiot, went up to hug Killua again.

Surely, it had to be painful. Killua had been trained relentlessly so that electricity would not bother him. Gon hadn’t gone through any of that. And yet, the raven haired boy pushed through, gritting his teeth.

“Get away, get away, get AWAY!”

“Killua! KILLUA! LISTEN! IT’S ME, GON.”

Killua started to wildly push Gon away. Despite his outburst, Killua’s arms were weak from the reopening wounds. It didn’t take much energy for Gon to restrain Killua and look directly into his eyes.

“It’s me, Killua. Remember?”

Cerulean eyes met caramel. “...Gon.”

And now Killua felt the fight in him being drained away, his whole body limping and nen disappearing.

“Gon. Stop, please…” He was back in the present and Gon was still hugging him and Killua hated it how his whole body and voice was trembling. “I-I’m a monster. Can’t you tell? I… I killed…,”

“I killed... my sister.”

And there it was, there was the truth out there, surely, for sure, they would all hate him and everything he had kept inside was failing and breaking and he was a monster and the tears were flowing freely now, and a quiet sob came from the back of the albino’s throat before he was wailing. I’m so weak, crying like a child.

The next few moments filled with only the sound of desperate quiet tears and comforting whispers.

“Killua? Killua, listen You’re not a monster. Trust me,” said Gon. The raven haired boy took killua’s milky bare hands - ugly scars clearly visible - into his own. Gon absentmindedly thumbed the scarred skin, looking straight into Killua’s eyes once again.

No words were spoken, but in that small moment, Killua felt a small weight being lifted from his shoulders. The traces of his explosive outburst was gone, and now Killua was too weak to support himself. He would of have collapsed like a rag doll onto the floor if it weren’t for Kurapika and Leorio holding him up.

“I’m sorry,” Killua constantly mumbled. “I killed my sister…” Killua, who was so reluctant to say it out loud, was now constantly repeating the phrase. “I killed my sister….I killed my sister…”

Killua didn’t notice Gon was crying too until he felt wet drops falling from above. “No, Killua, shh. You are the kindest, strongest person I have ever met

Strong, huh?

“After… after she died… my parents we’re sick of me… so they kicked me out…,” the albino rambled some more and ended up falling asleep, emotionally and physically exhausted.

_I still believe I’m a monster, a murderer, a good for nothing._

_Yet… It’s nice… having people believe in the opposite._

_Maybe… maybe they’re right. **  
**_

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Leorio was pissed.

There Killua was, weak and afraid, panicked and depressed, and what had he done?

Nothing. What kind of a doctor was he?

Kurapika, noticing Leorio’s dismay once Killua was tucked into bed, gave him a smile.

“Leorio, you did your best. Don’t beat yourself over it.”

“Did -” Leorio paused mid sentence, voice choked up. “Did you see and hear him? It’s - it’s - heartbreaking…and I couldn’t...”

“Kurapika is right, Leorio. Don’t beat yourself over it.” Bisky interrupted, casually slipping into the conversation. Her voice dropped into a whisper. “Killua is… an interesting case. Sure we can help but only a specific light can save him.”

The three, out of instinct, turned their heads to see where Gon was, tenderly watching over Killua.

“Yeah… a specific light…” Leorio trailed off. Gon had touched all of their lives for the better. Surely, Gon had already touched Killua’s.

There’s been definite improvement,” stated Kurapika, watching the two younger boys fondly. “Killua has been eating and talking more, showing signs of some emotions and less frequent flashbacks, although the one that just happened and the nightmares are still a problem. It’s only been a little less than a month.”

Bisky nodded in approval. “That’s very good. He’s gotten slightly better, I can tell. I’ve only seen him for about an hour now and yet… I feel as if I’ve known him for much longer.”

“We all feel that way, Bisky.” said Leorio. “Or at least, as if we should of have met him sooner.”

The trio was interrupted by Gon’s insistent footsteps.

“Guys, I just realized something that’s bad.”

Kurapika frowned. “What is it?” After years of companionship, the other’s knew that when Gon figured something out, it was 99% always true.

“Killua kept on muttering ‘Illumi, stop’ and ‘Illumi leave me alone’ under his breath while sleeping…”

Bisky narrowed her eyes. “Illumi, the oldest Zoldyck… and the person Killua was screaming about. What about him?”

“He said ‘illumi leave me alone.’ What if... his family is still after him?”

The room was filled with silence after Gon’s declaration.

“...shit,” Leorio muttered. “That explains why he was so anxious to leave, always on the run, and reluctant to say anything. His family is tracking him.”

“We can’t let him them get Killua -  he hasn’t told us much, but I’m sure it was terrible there.”

Bisky snorted. “Of course. They’re trained assassins. He probably had to go through torture training, which explains his immunity to electricity… and most of his conditions”

A loud disturbance came from the room Killua was in.

It took milliseconds for the four to react. Even so, they were too late.

When they had reached the room, the window was open and the bed was empty, except for a single note.

_Let’s play a game, shall we? We’ll be waiting at Kukuroo mountain~ <3”_

~~~~~~~~~~

 ****  
_Father and Mother want to use Kil as a tool._  
  
_But I have better ideas… **  
**_

_Kil doesn't deserve to be treated like a toy. **  
**_

_His potential would be better fulfilled he became my tool. **  
**_

_So i'll do whatever it takes_

_As long as he stays alive_

_I'll do anything_

_to make Killua mine._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot shorter than I wanted it to be. I'm planning to finally include some action into the next chapter. Until then, adios! Please, feel free to leave comments. I feel this chapter wasn't the greatest. Sorry guys. On a better note I am soon getting my own laptop and thanksgiving break is starting. So I will have more time to write.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the slow updating schedule guys! School has been getting super busy, and I wan't to release the best I could of have done, so it's been taking some time. And unfortunately, this chapter is... short. So so sorry. But, I'll try to get the next one out ASAP! Thanks for actually reading my story and waiting patiently!

* * *

_We're you born to resist or be abused?_

_Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?_

_Is someone getting the best, the best. the best, the best of you?_

_Has someone taken your faith?_

_It's real, the pain you feel_

_The life, the love you'd die to heal_

_The hope that starts the broken hearts_

_You trust, you must_

_confess_

 

-Best of You, Foo Fighters

* * *

 

Gon didn't know what to think.

The room was filled with an eerie silence. Nobody dared to say a single word. The empty bed was messy, the blankets disheveled - evidence of resistance. Gon usually had amazingly perceptive hearing, but he didn't recall any noise coming from the room moments before.  _They must of have been watching us, waiting for the best moment to strike..._ _I can't_ _believe it! I failed to protect Killua... I promised that I would! I have to g-_

Gon was abruptly stopped in the midst of thoughts by a firm hand on his shoulders. The raven-haired boy turned around to be greeted by the face of an annoyed, yet slightly worried, Bisky.

_SMACK!_ The sting from the unexpected slap left Gon paralyzed with disbelief and shock. 

"Gon." Bisky's voice was surprisingly gentle. "I know what you're thinking. But  _please_ don't go back to 'that' place. Don't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault. Don't do anything too crazy, we have to plan this." 

Gon took a shuddering breath. _Don't blame yourself..._ struggling, Gon managed to give a convincing smiled. "Yeah," said Gon, releasing a breath. "Thanks, Bisky. We should plan this, instead of rushing in straight away like I tend to do. Where's Kukuroo Mountain?"

Kurapika spoke up, releasing the tension a bit.

"We should book a flight first - even using our license, the fastest ride to Kukuroo mountain will take at least a day. We should use the time on the blimp to plan."

"Sure, sounds great," Gon nodded. 

Gon felt sick and impatient, but managed to keep his facade up. Like a mantra, Gon kept on repeating Bisky's words in his head. 

_Don't blame yourself_

_Don't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault_

_Don't blame yourself_

It almost worked.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Killua regretted having a big breakfast.

The waffles he had gladly stuffed into his face during the morning was now on the floor along with the rest of the contents of his stomach. The albino shivered despite the sweat sticking to his body. How long had he been in here? He had stopped resisting his shackles what seemed like hours ago, his wrists bruised and bloody from the effort. 

He was in some sort of cell, that was surprisingly not part of the Zoldyck Mansion. He expected to be brought back home immediately. Sure he was on Zoldyck property, but  _where_ exactly on the huge area, Killua had no idea. All he knew was that he was being watched, and that there was a door to outside his little cell. But trying to resist the shackles and attempting escape had been proved futile. The lack of fresh air told Killua that he was being held underground.

_Stupid Hisoka,_ Killua thought.  _These restrictions are made of his nen..._

Killua was trained for these types of situations. He, as a child, had been put in a multitude of different cells without any food or water and only varying forms of torture to entertain him. 

Yet, no amount of training could prepare him for what would come next. Killua knew this as soon as he had heard a silky, empty voice speak. Involuntarily, the silver haired boy shuddered.

"Hello Kil. It's been a long time."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Killua had been peacefully sleeping before being taken, both physically and mentally exhausted from his outburst before. Sure, it had been bad, yet, now that it was over, Killua couldn't help but feel as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  _"She's a great therapist,"_ Gon had said.

Killua couldn't help but agree. His secret was out - he had led his sister to death, and yet... they didn't hate him. Gon didn't hate him. It was a strange feeling, to be accepted as a decent human being despite his crimes. 

For once, Killua was content. Ready to move on. Sure, he still slightly blamed himself for Alluka's death, but he could see improvement in the future. He could see recovery and hope for the first time in years. 

What he didn't expect was for the feeling of ease and comfort to be taken away so quickly, so suddenly.

It had been quick and silent, like a cloud that suddenly covers the sun with a strong wind.  

Positioned comfortably, Killua immediately tensed at the sudden intruder in the room, but had no time to move away. He was hoisted up, and Killua automatically twisted his body in order to escape, but was stopped halfway by a rough hand. Before it had crossed Killua's mind to make noise, he was already brought outside and away, mouth muzzled with a sticky nen. 

Killua finally got a look at his captor clearly. The man holding him had flaming red hair, beady yellow eyes, and a bit of face paint on his cheeks. Unfortunately, Killua recognized the man from Gon's clear descriptions.

_So this is the infamous 'Hisoka' Gon was talking about before!_

Hisoka glanced down, looking directly into Killua. Killua internally shuddered but managed to keep his gaze steady, almost like a challenge. Hisoka let out a soft chuckle.

"I see you've figured who I am now. Look's like an introduction won't be necessary, Killua."

Killua only glared back, trying to hide the rising panic showing through his eyes. Hisoka only smirked.

His surroundings were blurred, sounds mixing and rushing past Killua's ears.  _Just how fast are we going?_   _Where are we going?_   _What does Hisoka want from me?_

A feeling of absolute dread washed over Killua as Hisoka started to slow down, his environment becoming clearer and clearer.  _This... this is the way to Zoldyck property._

Abruptly, Hisoka stopped. "I'll be saying sorry in advance~ Don't want you to see any _secrets <3_" Said Hisoka. Before Killua could think about what he had been told, the albino felt a cloth go over his mouth, forcing him to breathe in a tranquilizer. He felt his initial panic disappear, eyes drooping.

_W...what? I'm... trained. T-This_ _shouldn't affe..ct me..._

The next thing he knew, Killua woke up in a cell. Dizzy and filled with anxiety, he couldn't help but feel sick. The only thing he could do was wait.

Whether he was waiting for a monster or a savior, Killua couldn't tell.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"And that's it," said Kurapika, rolling up the world map they had picked up at the airport. Leorio yawned. "It's pretty late and we have some time until we get there. I'm calling it a day." Waving good-bye, the doctor went into his own temporary room.

"I think I'll go to sleep too," Bisky said, stretching. "We'll have to move as soon as we land, so I recommend you two get as much rest as possible." 

Gon sighed, leaning back on his chair, hair touching the ground.  _Twelve more hours to go,_ Gon thought to himself. 

He was dreading this part. He could feel it - he wouldn't get any sleep or rest tonight. Gon had too much time on his hands, which was never a good thing. He was jumpy and anxious and the whole entire situation reminded him of three years ago. 

_This time... I won't fail. No matter what it takes._

The raven haired boy felt a hand of his shoulder. 

"Hey," Kurapika simply said, smiling gently. "It might be a bit hard but try to get some rest." 

Gon would of have asked Kurapika to keep him company so that he could get his mind off of the depressing thoughts in his head, but once seeing the dark bags under the Kuurta's eyes, decided against it.

"Yeah ok. Thanks, Kurapika! Night!" 

Kurapika gave him a grateful smile. "Night, Gon."

Once Gon was left alone, Gon went into his room but didn't bother to lay down on his bed.

He had a lot of time to collect his thoughts.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_Hello, Kil_

_It's been a long time_

_Well, since it's been a while since your last lesson..._

_let's start with a review_

_~_

Shaking, Killua let out a stuttering gasp. Illumi loomed over his body, observing Killua as the albino violently coughed. Somehow, through the bile and blood at the back of his throat, Killua found his voice.

"W...why..?"

It was all he could managed to say without hurling. His voice had been so scratchy from a poison burning at it that Killua wasn't sure if he had actually said anything coherent.

Illumi seemed to understand what Killua was asking. "Why? Are you asking me 'why?'"

Killua could only tremble, wondering if he had done the right thing. 

"Because I love you, Kil. Isn't it obvious?"

And Killua saw it at that moment - it was true. Illumi really did love Killua. But this was not the love Killua imagined about, this was the twisted love born from the lack of a heart, the lack of care since childhood. Was... this how Killua would turn out in the future? If he had ever survived? The albino shuddered at the thought. _I'll never be like my brother... right?_  

Illumi loved him so much, he though of Killua as an object, as  _his._

"I need to teach you a lesson, Killua."

The albino tensed. Those words were never a good sign. 

Illumi held Killua's face delicately, dropping his whip and discarding the new array of poisons on the floor.

"Didn't I tell you? You don't need friends. Why did you suddenly ignore my advice and go meet these people?"

_Pulse._ Wide eyed, Killua grimaced at the sudden tug at his forehead.

"Friends are a liability, Killua. They'll betray you. Even if they don't, you'll just want to kill them in the end."

_No no... I won't betray anyone!_ But the little voice resisting in Killua's head was becoming smaller and smaller, being muffled by another force.

"You only find pleasure in killing... you're nothing more than a puppet of darkness, empty, wanting nothing."

"Thats... not true...," Killua muttered, but he sounded uncertain even to himself.

"You don't need friends, Killua. Forget Gon, Kurapika, Leorio, and Bisky. Do you really think that they're going to come to save you?"

The silver haired boy froze in realization. Illumi was... right. Deep down, he had been praying for his... friends... to come and save him. But then...

"Don't you see? Them coming to save you would be a suicide mission. If they came to save you, you'd only be leading them to their deaths, just like you led Alluka to death."

The resisting voice in Killua's head was now gone, out like a candle. Illumi's words were like the toxin that had been forcefully shoved down his throat hours ago. Like a slow fire that spread and spread until Killua couldn't feel anything at all. 

"You don't deserve friends or need friends. You're nothing more than an assassin. But don't worry. I'll take care of you. I'll make sure you keep your head straight, and don't make the mistake of thinking you have other people who care about you. It's been two days, Kil. Shouldn't they be here by now? Did you actually think they would come and save you? Do you see why friends are unnecessary? They can only create false hopes and dreams."

"I don't... need... friends?" Killua uncertainly said. Was it true? Illumi's voice was like silk, washing over him. He couldn't think straight, the pulsing at his forehead distracting him from making a clear logical thought. His brother's words were the only think constantly repeating in his mind.

Illumi smiled. This time, Killua didn't shudder or wince. "You never had any from the start."

And Killua felt it within him. The same feeling after he had woken up from trying to escape with Alluka.

It was the feeling of something being permanently shattered inside.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

 Gon wasn't surprised when the nightmares came.

He was nervous. Afraid. Scared that he would fail, just like he did years ago. Scared that he would lose control of himself, again.

When it came to negative emotions, the raven haired boy didn't know how to deal with them properly.

The nightmare started as it always did, with him faithfully following behind his mentor, Kite.

_The moon hung low in the sky as Gon and Kite walked down an uneven path. They were using Zetsu, careful to not make any noise._

_They were in Chimera Ant territory, and the tension was high in the air. But they had_ _gone unnoticed for a while, and Gon was beginning to feel confident._

_It was at that moment where everything went wrong._

_It happened to quickly for Gon to react. They both felt it - a aura so toxic, the feeling would never really leave Gon's memory. Gon saw his mentor look panicked for the first time._

_"Gon! Run!"_

_Before the raven haired boy could even process these words, a figure came from the sky and attacked Kite._

_It was a grotesque sight, watching his mentor's arm fly into the air and land on the ground with a heavy thump._

_The dream began to get a bit warped at that point._

_A cat-like chimera ant was the culprit, and Gon's vision turned red._

_"NEFERPITOU!"  
_

_Instantly, Gon was in a new area, Kite gone. He felt his body change as he gained more nen. A familiar hot rage built up in him as he focused all his power into his right fist. A darkness grew within him, too late to stop._

_"First comes rock..."_

_And then he flung his fist, the Nen shattered his whole entire right arm, and pain was so intense that Gon had almost blacked out. But he still managed to hit Pitou, he still managed to kill her._

_But he was too late._

_Neferpitou had already killed Kite, and even getting revenge wouldn't change the fact that he had failed._

_It was all his fault that Kite had died, he shouldn't of have listened to Kite, he shouldn't of had ran_ _away and -_

Gon woke up with a gasp and to Leorio shaking him with a concerned look on his face.

"Gon! Wake up! We're here!"

Gon unsteady got up, realizing he had fallen asleep on the desk. "...Ok."

Leorio glanced at Gon, eyes full of worry. "Was that -"

"Nothing. Come on, we have to hurry!" Said Gon with false enthusiasm. 

_I won't fail this time!_

_This time, I swear._

_I swear I'll save you, Killua._

_**~~~~~~~~~~** _

 

Another needle entered Killua's temple.

Was it the 16th? The 20th? Killua couldn't tell. 

_I don't deserve friends..._

"Kil, how does that feel?"

_I don't have friends..._

"Hmm. Ok, let me try this..."

Illumi was experimenting on Killua using his needles. Not that it mattered to Killua anymore. Illumi was doing this because he loved him. That... had to be a good thing, right?

Killua limped is body as the next needle entered his forehead. 

"Ah, found it! The part of your brain that controls memory - the hippocampus. Let's see here." Illumi jiggled the needle around.

Killua let out a cry, a whimper, a sob as he felt his brain being probed at. He had no energy to complain, no energy to fight back.

Illumi had won.

And when Illumi's needles touched a specific part of Killua's mind, the albino shuddered. A very specific memory came into focus. Yet, it was much more vivid and detailed than he remembered. 

The night felt colder.

The moon was brighter.

His sister's blood was darker, and his sobs were louder.

Illumi had won.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

The four weren't expecting to meet an obstacle so soon.

"You guys go on ahead! We can take care of these guys!" Shouted Kurapika, who was back to back with Leorio. Surrounding them was a group of four in suits and murderous expressions.

Bisky frowned. "Don't underestimate them! There a lot stronger than they look. You're outnumbered, do you want to die?"

Leorio scoffed. "Well don't underestimate us either! Anyways, we don't want Killua to suffer for any longer!"

Bisky still looked distressed. Gon tugged at Bisky's sleeve, becoming impatient.

"Look, Bisky, they said they were fine! We have to move on!"

The older woman looked at Gon with apprehension. "Gon, no need to use hostility, calm down."

The raven haired boy realized he had been heaving.

"I'm fine," Gon said, his tone much more monotonous than intended.

Risky only gave a concerned look. "Are you sure...?"

"It doesn't matter, we have to save Killua!"

Uncertainly, Bisky started to run. 

"Don't die!" She shouted to the other pair before moving on.

Kurapika and Leorio made the first move, both attacking the people at opposite ends.

_This is... for Killua._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Once the two were safely away, Bisky pulled Gon to the side. **  
**

"Gon, answer me seriously. You won't lose control again, will you? You're ok, right?" Bisky sounded as if she were asking herself more than Gon, her voice small and uncertain.

The raven haired boy smiled. "Of course I am!"

For the second time, Gon was slapped. 

"Don't give me that bullshit, you obviously aren't the finest right now."

Gon froze, unable to respond.  _Am I... ok?_

Gon was too scared to say he wasn't sure either.

To his relief, they were interrupted.

"I see you got my message~?" Said a man, walking into view.

"Hisoka," Bisky said, disgusted.

"That's no way to address me! The last time I saw you, I helped you stay alive!" Hisoka chuckled.

"We still lost that dodgeball game, if that's what you're talking about," Gon said, irritated. 

"Was that my fault?" Hisoka said, acting hurt.

_No._

_That was... It was... my fault._

Gon shook his head, trying to focus. He couldn't let his past catch up to him - he had moved. He braced himself to get into a fight, charging his fist when he was stopped by Bisky's petite hand.

"Don't. I'll take care of him. You go look for Killua."

Gon hesitated before giving a grateful smile.

_For once I hope..._  Bisky thought to herself, _that my gut instinct will be wrong,_

_and that Gon will be ok._

_Because this is... for Killua._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

It wasn't long until Gon found where Killua was. With his amazing sense of smell, he only had to trust his instincts.

He tried to ignore the strong smell of bile and blood that was reeking from the little shack where his gut had told him to go to.

_Bile and blood..._

It reminded him of his stay at the hospital. Not that he remembered much from it.

Now alone, Gon had no reasons to try and steady his beating heart and stuttering breath.

_Whatever you see... It's not your fault,_ Gon tried to tell himself.

With a faltering step, Gon braced himself and opened the little door. Behind it was a staircase, leading down.

Ignoring the sickening feeling growing inside of him and his shaking hands, he starting his way down.

_Here goes nothing... for Killua._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All constructive criticism is welcome!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK Winter Break for me is coming up soon so expect the next few chapters to come out soon! Thanks so much for reading guys. Feel free to talk to me   
> @allu-ria on tumblr

* * *

  _Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_

_Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_

_Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues/Don't try to sleep through the end of the world_

_Conspire against the odds/and bury me alive_

_But they haven't seen the best of us yet/cause I won't give up without a fight_

_If you love me let me go_

_If you love me let me go_

_Cause theses words are knives that often leave scars_

_The fear of falling apart_

_and truth be told I never was yours_

_the fear, the fear of falling apart_

_-_ This is Gospel, Panic! at the Disco

* * *

 Leorio felt the air leave his body as a cane rammed into his stomach. Suddenly unable to breathe, the doctor went flying before painfully smashing into a nearby tree, body limp.

"Leorio!" Kurapika shouted while trying to fend of two women. He wasn't doing much better. His left eye was swollen shut, not to mention a few of his fingers seemed to be broken. Unfortunately, he didn't have the time to use nen and heal himself.

"Damn it..." Leorio muttered under his breath. They were greatly outmatched - in both power and numbers. Perhaps even Gon would have some difficulty fighting these monsters. Their opponents were no other than the Zoldyck Butlers - only falling a bit short of the Zoldyck's level of power themselves. Spitting out the blood in his mouth, Leorio managed to stand up, wobbling.

"Why must you resist?" Said a voice from behind. Leorio identified her as the cane user. Before he could react, a sudden force hit him in the back, making the doctor fly once more. He skidded a few feet before managing to catch himself. From behind, Kurapika stumbled from a hit and landed right next to Leorio, eyes bright red, clothes torn.

The two were no surrounded on all sides with no energy left to fight back. Despite the odds not being in their favor, Leorio let out a hollow laugh.

"Did you ask why? We're only here to help our friend Killua, who was captured by you  _bastards."_

The mention of the 'forgotten' son seemed to have an instant effect. For a second, all of the butlers froze at the sound of Killua's name.

"Did you just say... Killua?" Said one of the butlers, a young girl with straight black hair and pale skin.

Kurapika, being observant as he was, saw the hesitance. He immediately started to talk, trying to stall and buy time, and perhaps even earn their sympathy. 

"We found Killua on the streets in terrible health, both mentally and physically. We tried our best to take care of him yet..."

Somehow, Kurapika got the sense that these people cared for Killua. He had never intended to tell the truth from the start yet... he did. And he told them about how Killua had been doing and how he had been recovering, and how he had made friends.

Because thats who Killua was. A friend. And that's who Killua needed. A friend. Just like him. Years ago, when he had been so consumed by rage and hatred, he had lost sight of his original plan- to explore the new world out of his little secluded village. Yet, Gon and Leorio, both amazing people, ha helped him get out of the hole he had dug for himself. The two were incredibly patient and kind and  _understanding,_ and those were the kind of people Killua would need to heal properly. 

At this point, Kurapika was willing to do anything to get him back.

He remembered being apprehensive months ago, reluctant to take care of the boy that was hated and feared by the work. He should of have realized back then that rumors were only whispers of lies. And these - these  _horrible_ people had taken him back into hell just when he had started to recover. Kurapika could feel the anger building up again, eyes glowing a deeper scarlet. 

"Is... that true, Tsubone?" Said the youngest of them, the girl with the cane and cocoa skin. It took a delayed second to realize that she was talking to the eldest butler, not him.

The one called Tsubone studied the two with calculating cold eyes. "...I sense no lies in their story." 

The mood of the atmosphere changed from hostile to fragile in an instant.

"I knew we should of have never trusted Illumi," sighed the male butler, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He extended a hand, a symbol for peace. "I'm Gotoh, a Zoldyck butler, and we're terribly sorry."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Bisky quickly found out she had no time to worry about Gon. 

She was definitely strong, yet, so was Hisoka. His eyes gleamed with an unnerving lust.

"You are one of the fully ripe ones, no? This will be my  _pleasure."_

"Back off you pathetic creep," Bisky said while aiming a kick directly at Hisoka's chest. He had the sense to dodge, of course, but Bisky still hit a sliver of HIsoka's arm as he moved out of the way. A newly formed cut was the evidence of her first hit on the magician.

There were no words now as the two charged at each other. An outsider would not be able to see the battle clearly - they were going too fast, too hard for a normal civilian to observe.  _Kick punch throw block push._ It was a steady rhythm, both receiving and giving a similar amount of hits.

 _This is a test of endurance,_ Bisky decided.  _In terms of power, we are equal... for now. I must four and not let his bungee gum get me!_

With a low swoop, Bisky managed to throw Hisoka off balance. With a grin, she aimed for a heavy punch at Hisoka's jaw.

Her first mistake of many.

Hisoka took the hit, his face turned the other way. Bisky's little celebration for being successful only lasted a few seconds as she felt a sticky substance on her fist. Alarmed, she jumped back. Quickly using _g_ _yo,_ her worst suspicions were proven right.

"Did you know my Bungee Gum has properties of both gum and rubber?" Hisoka drawled, licking his lips.

"Damn you," Bisky muttered. She checked the rest of her body to see if Hisoka's nen was anywhere else. So far, nowhere.

With a flick of his wrist, Bisky felt her body twist as the sticky substance connecting the who retracted. The sudden force left Bisky tasting dirt. 

The next move Hisoka made, Bisky was ready. Using the sudden movement from the Bungee Gum retracting and expanding, Bisky launched herself and her fist directly to Hisoka.

This time, the punch was solid. Hisoka stumbled with wide eyes. He looked up to Bisky's small figure with a new gleam in his eyes.

"Not bad~ now, don't disappoint me, ripe one." With that, Hisoka risky charged at each other once again.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Kurapika and Leorio were being patched up by the butlers with the materials found in Leorio's briefcase.

"We were told that there were some mindless intruders by Illumi, and that they were trying to kill Killua," the butler named Canary said. "So of course we were going to do anything to protect him. We hadn't seen young master Killua in quite a while and we were all secretly worried."

"Wouldn't Killua normally be able to defend himself against people like us?" Leorio asked, bandages being applied to his arm.

"We were told that young master Killua was in critical condition and was defenseless when found."

A heavy silence filled the atmosphere.  _That conniving bastard,_ Leorio thought to himself.

"Has master Killua been doing better?" Asked Amane, eyes full of curiosity and apprehensiveness.

"He still isn't the  _greatest_ but he has been improving," Kurapika answered. 

Gotoh smiled. "I am glad to see that our young master has been able to make some friends. I am afraid that had he stayed at this household any longer, he would be incapable of doing so."

"About that..." Kurapika trailed off, wondering how to phrase the question. "Why was Killua... 'disowned?' He managed to tell us about his sister... but I wasn't sure how that related to him being on the streets.

The butler's eyes darkened. "If young master Killua has trusted you enough to tell about... Alluka... then I guess that we could clarify."

"After the incident, master Killua wasn't himself. He was almost robotic, not doing much except barely following orders. He didn't eat. He didn't sleep. He didn't talk. We could tell he blamed himself for everything, but we couldn't do anything to help. Illumi was especially harsh towards him, giving him extra torture training sessions."

Leorio and Kurapika shuddered at the notion. _Torture training._

"But... you see, when master Killua did sleep, he would have nightmares... until one day, his father found him in a bloodied mess, creaming and clawing into himself. He wasn't very happy. In Silva's perspective, master Killua, the ultimate heir, had failed and disappointed him. In fact, he was so disgusted at his son that he was forced to leave."

The two could only stare wide eyed.

 _This whole family is messed up,_ Leorio thought to himself, a shudder going through him. Though Kurapika was calm, the doctor thought he saw a hint of crimson in the gray-blue eyes of his partner.

"Do you know where Killua is right now?" Kurapika asked, his whole body tense.

"Unfortunately, no. But as you stated before, I'm sure your other friends will find him soon." Said Amane reassuringly. 

"I just hope we aren't too late," leorio muttered under his breath. 

"We'll have to trust Gon and Bisky," Kurapika said. "We did all we could. It's not like we can do any more in our current state."

"Yeah you're right..." Leorio sighed. "Like always."

"We just have to trust... that in the end, we will be the winners."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Gon was shaking.

the stairway was old and broken in some places. Each step was loud and creaky, each sudden noise making Gon's rapidly pulsing heart skip a beat.

He hated the sick feeling inside him - a darkness that had been hidden for years, the pure hate of rate one that had hurt his friend, the crippling sense of inadequacy -  all of these emotions had been buried over, but now was ten times more vivid. 

After what seemed like a lifetime, Gon reached the bottom.

There was a series of doors in a narrow hallway, each leading to an individual cell. each door was open, except for one all the way at the end of the corridor. The smell of blood was definite now, silence permeating the musky air. He dreaded what was behind the door. He dreaded that he might of have been too late.

He dreaded the truth.

But he had no choice. He had to know. He had to move forward. Flashbacks plagued his mind - a part of him was in the empty basement hallway, the other half was walking alongside Kite.

 _It's not your fault..._ Bisky's words echoed around Gon's head.  _I can do this..._

With one final big breath, Gon opened the door.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Bisky was pissed. Her whole body was sore and the fight seemed to be dragging on for forever. In a way, it had been her fault for not going all out since the beginning, yet she was still mad.

"Bastard..." she was tired, but she could see her opponent was too. The Bungee Gum stuck to her had proved as both trivial and helpful. Neither side seemed to show signs of giving up. Yet, Bisky still had the up[er hand. She was older - and was more experienced, not to mention, she had a goal, a mission she could  _not fail._

"This has been fun and all, but don't get too cocky," Bisky said, voice dangerously low. She had to finish this quickly - the battle had already gone on for too long. As much as she hated her  _real_ appearance, there was no other choice. Gathering up nen, she quickly dropped her facade. 

"Quite interesting..." Hisoka gleefully muttered.

She now stood tall, dress barely able to hide the huge muscles along her body. Bosky's once petite frame was now angular and sharp with a  strong pulsing nene surrounding her. 

"Let's get this over with," Bisky said before flashing forward. 

Hisoka gave a good fight. He was skilled and despite having an odd choice for his nen ability, was fully utilizing it. He was most definitely having fun. But that was precisely the problem - Hisoka was fighting for the sake of fighting, Bisky was fighting for the sake of Killua. With a swift strike, she struck Hisoka for the last time.

The magician collapsed, hitting the ground a bit more skillfully than Bisky anticipated. He laughed before propping himself up.

"You were most definitely a fun opponent," he drawled. "Perhaps next time we will fight again."

"Next time?" Asked Bisky.  _That hit should of have knocked him out! What the hell?_

"I shall give you this victory - on my terms, of course."

Bisky squinted, eyes full of suspicion. "What for?"  _Hisoka isn't they type of guy to just give up like that..._

"I am satisfied enough."

"Very well," Bisky stated, sitting down as well. "Then don't go anywhere and stay here, no matter what. And answer all my questions truthfully.

"Why should I follow what you say?" Hisoka asked. He seemed amused.

"Because I won."

Hisoka flashed a grin to Bisky. "Very well, then."

Bisky nodded. She felt a bit uneasy - something was off. More like, Gon had been off. He had been too tense, too aggressive before he left. She had done her job to subdue Hisoka, but was that enough?

She did not know where Gon was, his distinguishable aura seemingly gone. 

_Well I guess the only thing I can do now... Is trust that Gon will be fine._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_No._

He couldn't breathe.

_No no no._

Gon felt like throwing up at the sight before him. With wide eyes and his heart beating even faster than before, he could only observe. Killua was chained to a wall, skin bruised and covered in ugly welts. He seemed to be unconscious, once while hair matted with red and dozens of needs sticking out of his forehead. His breathing was barely there, ragged and uneven. 

_Is this... because of me?_

The raven haired boy did not even notice another person enter the room.  _This is too much like last time..._ It was almost like reliving the memory. Watching a white haired male, covered in scars, lifelessly hang on strings - the situation was almost identical. 

 _This is my fault. I failed, and this is my_ _consequence. There's no one else to blame bu-_

"Not putting up much of a fight, are we?" Said a voice from behind him, snapping him out of his thoughts. Gon slowly turned around to look at the person who had just spoken.

He was greeted by the curious gaze of a man with owl like eyes and long silky black hair to match. His figure was long and slender, with needles sticking out of his clothes.

"Who are you?" asked Gon, voice completely flat.

Illumi seemed a bit taken aback by the tone of Gon's voice. _This could get serious... I'll have to evacuate Killua before anything gets out of hand... don't want Kil to get hurt._

"I understand you came here to 'save' Killua, but there is nothing to save him from. I am putting him under the best care I have. You are the one putting Killua in danger, so please leave."

"Best... care?" Gon's breathing was getting more erratic and heavier.

And a spark lit inside him, slowly growing and then consuming him all at once.

_"YOU CALL THIS THE 'BEST CARE?' LOOK AT HIM! HE'S HURT! HE'S BLEEDING! ARE YOU SAYING THIS IS THE BEST FOR KILLUA? IS HURTING HIM LIKE THIS GOING TO MAKE HIM A BETTER PERSON? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY? CAUSE THAT'S UTTER CRAP! BULLSHIT! WHAT KIND OF 'CARE' IS THIS? DON'T YOU SEE THAT HE'S SUFFERING?"  
_

There was a void inside, so dark and alluring, and Gon couldn't help but fall into it.

He was losing control of himself again, and he hated it, he hated himself and how he couldn't even do anything right, and he just hated  _hated -_ illumine.

It was Illumi's fault... right? Illumi had hurt Killua, not him. Gon had tried his best -

and that was the issue. He had tried his best, but still failed. And it was his fault. Illumi had even said it -  _you are the one putting Killua in danger -_ there was nobody else as guilty as he - 

But hadn't Illumi hurt Killua on purpose? It was sick that Illumi thought he was loving his brother and was helping him.

But was Gon any better? The raven haired boy could only pant as the silence drew longer and longer. 

This was exactly like three years ago, and even after trying to recover, he still found himself in the same hole, in the same mess, stuck in the same cycle.

Why? Shouldn't he have learned the first time? Why did his mind persist on making the same mistakes over and over again?

_I don't deserve Killua._

_Because of me, he's in a place where he should never of have gone back to._

Tears were streaming down his face. He had failed, Damn it,  _he had failed._

_This is why Ging left me and Kite had died and why I can never do anything right..._

These thoughts were always haunting him. Always at the back of his mind, no matter how much his friends had given him reassurance, no matter how many times people has said 'it's not your fault,' there was always a little whisper.

Most of the time, the little whisper was quiet, but especially at a time like this...

He was inadequate.

Suddenly calm, Gon looked around the cell with a bit more attention. Judging but he nen coming from Illumi and how _defeated_ Killua was, his opponent was strong.

He needed power.

And when a darker nen embraced him, he accepted it. At this point, Gon didn't care if he had lost another limb. He needed power, he needed to save Killua, he couldn't fail, _he needed to redeem himself and -_

_"I want enough... to save Killua. I don't care how much you take from me."_

The walls shook and the ground rumbled as the nen Gon worked hard to gain back was wasted again. Illumi, alarmed, took a step towards Killua. 

"Hisoka, remove the Bungee Gum containing Killua,," Illumi urgently whispered into a mouthpiece. 

_"Ok, whatever you say~"_

Catching Killua's bloodied limp body after the shackles had been released, Illumi made his way for the exit. Swiftly turning around to try and escape, he was met not with the door leading above ground, but with a large figure. 

Gon's whole being was encased in a dark light, his entire body enhanced.

But something was a bit off. He wasn't quite fully mature. After all, he had only asked for enough power to defeat Illumi, nothing more. Yet, the nen was still off center, not quite right. It was as if Gon's body was strained, almost like his physique was saying  _'not again.'_

Illumi would gladly fight - once Killua was safe.  _He dares to say what I'm doing is not right? I only have to best intentions for Kil._ "I suggest we take this upstairs so we don't hurt Killua or bring the place down," Illumi stated.

Gon gestured for Illumi to go ahead. "You first then." His voice was rough and sounded a bit scratchy. 

The two now almost equally tall figures made their way above ground.

"Put Killua down over there," Gon demanded, gesturing over to a safer area in the bushes.

Illumi did. 

And as soon as he took a step back, without warning, Gon flung his fist backwards before charging straight towards Illumi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is not beta read or anything, so sorry if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes or sentences/paragraphs that are confusing. (I did my best) Well, once again thank you so much for reading:)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit on the shorter side. I'll make up for it in the next FINAL chapter! Winter break has started for me so hopefully I will have time to write more! Feel free to chat with me on tumblr @allu-ria

 

* * *

_I can feel the heat rising_

_Everything is on fire_

_Today is a painful reminder of why_

_We can only get brighter_

_The further you put it behind ya_

_But right now I'm on the inside_

_Lookin out, cause_

_I'm standing in the flames_

_It's a beautiful kind of pain_

_-_ Beautiful Pain, Eminem

* * *

 

It was impossible to miss.

A dark aura swept over the whole expanse of the forest. The ground shook as a twisted nen exploded from seemingly nowhere. The butlers reacted immediately, tense and unable to exactly pinpoint the source of danger. They all stood alert, weapons out. Meanwhile, Hisoka looked up to the darkening sky and smiled. His eyes seemed to shine with new interest. Yet, the magician made no attempt to move. Without explanation, Bisky, Leorio, and Kurapika all began to bolt towards where the wave of sickness was coming from.

Feet pounding into the ground, they could only pray and hope that they would not be too late.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Illumi had no time to think. Barely processing Gon's flying fist and murderous expression, the eldest Zoldyck only managed to guard his vitals before flesh connected with flesh. Illumi went flying backwards, painfully crashing into a tree, vision going temporarily black. He gasped, choking for air, ribs bruised and possibly already broken. Had he not reacted as fast as he did, Illumi would already be dead.

For the first time in his life, Illumi felt true fear.

"That... was for chaining Killua up and hurting him," said Gon. His voice was husky and dangerously low. His eyes were glass showing no emotion except rage and darkness. HIs entire body glowed with a malicious power. 

Illumi could only splutter good and weakly make an attempt to retaliate before Gon made his next move. Flashing forward, the raven haired boy dug his foot up into the ground before violently bringing it back up, flinging Illumi's body toward the sky.

"And this... is for everything else you've done for him..." 

Gon pulled his fist back focusing all of his nen into his clenched hand. Nearby trees rustled as the power built up. The ground beneath him crumbled.

_"First... comes... rock..."_

"GON!"

The raven haired boy turned around to see Bisky looking panicked and beaten. Right behind her were Leorio and Kurapika, who had quickly found Killua and were treating him. Gon couldn't help but feel sense of dread wash over him. He had wanted to finish _before_ they had gotten here.

Illumi was still falling.

Gon opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. "I'm... sorry," he managed to say after a few seconds of silence.

"Gon... please. Stop this instant. You didn't have to... _you didn't have to go this far._ Please, you're only hurting yourself. We could of have easily helped you if you asked...  _don't you trust us?_ Why do you insist on doing everything by yourself? Don't you consider us your friends?"

Every time Bisky spoke, Gon felt as if a knife was being embedded in his heart. 

"I...can't stop now..." and as much as Gon hated seeing Bisky like this, as much as he hated hearing those words,  _he had to redeem himself._ And he didn't deserve anyone like Killua or Bisky or Leorio or Kurapika - he deserved nobody. Yet, he still had to keep his promise to save Killua. Gon was willing to give up everything for that cause. To make up for his failures.

"Why not? Gon,  _I'm begging you, please -_ LOOK OUT!"

Gon had forgotten about Illumi. Shocked by the sudden outburst, Gon could only swiftly turn his head back before feeling a dull pain in his left calf.

Illumi grinned up at him. He seemed to have landed long ago, legs twisted at an awkward angle. Somehow, the eldest Zoldyck had managed to drag himself to where Gon was and cleanly sever the lower part of his left leg with a clawed hand.

"For...Killua," Illumi gasped, nearly fainting from the strain.

 _"GON!"_ Leorio shrieked, temporarily pausing in his operation. Kurapika seemed like he was unsure of what to do. They all did.

 _"Gon, stop it."_ Bisky was getting desperate now, hands shaking. "If you keep on repeatedly using that nen, you'll...  ** _die."_**

Kurapika was silent, unable to speak. Leorio was repeatedly opening his mouth as if to say something, then stopping himself, going back to Killua after a discussion with Kurapika. 

_I have to finish this now..._

_"First comes rock"_

Illumi looked at his bloodied hands and at his broken body. He could barely breathe, and his opponent seemed unfazed by the loss of his limb. He was fighting a monster.  _I... I can't win this fight,_ Illumi thought to himself.

_"Paper... Scissors... and..."_

"Killua... I love you," said Illumi with a final breath before falling back. He meant it in every way.

Gon glanced back before looking down at Illumi with disgust.

_"Rock."_

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Killua wasn't sure where he was when he woke up. His vision was blurred, a pounding headache reverberating around his skull. 

There was Kurapika and Leorio over him and Bisky, off to the side, looking distressed. 

And Gon. 

Or what Killua assumed to be Gon. HIs body didn't look right, with a dark aura surrounding him. HIs other brother was on the floor blood covering his hand and - 

Killua almost threw up. Kurapika and Leorio were saying something, but he didn't care. Gon's leg. _G_ _on's leg._ _  
_

His breathing hitched painfully. What was happening? What had happened? It hurt too much to think - he could only observe as the bizarre events he had woken up to unfolded before him. Too much was happening at once for the albino to process everything.  Kurapika and leorio seemed to be telling him something - to lay back down? - but he couldn't. Eyes wide and transfixed, Killua stared as Gon looked back at him moments before bringing his only fist down.

Killua wasn't sure what he himself was thinking. But, he did know what he was feeling - he had to tell Gon something. The albino wasn't sure if he had said it clearly, or if he had just mouthed it, or if he had said it at all in that short time period of eye contact. Gon  _had_ to get his message, no matter what. 

_Please promise..._

_...please promise you'll live, ok?_

Disappointingly, Killua had no time to confirm that Gon had understood him. With a blinding light and intense blowing winds, the albino could only feel dread wash over him as his vision went black. 

**~~~~~~~~~~**

When Leorio had arrived at the scene with Bisky way ahead of him and Kurapika on his right, he felt his stomach drop to the floor. 

What he saw was his worst nightmare, except worse. Last time, Leorio ha only seen the aftermath, the ruined body after the rage. This time, Leorio had the sinking feeling that he would be seeing both. Kurapika, who also seemed sick, managed to quickly notice a tuff of read peeking out from the bushes. Gesturing Leorio over, Kurapika made his way to investigate before stopping coldly in his tracks.

Leorio wasn't sure which was worse. Gon or Killua.

The boy's usually silver hair was matted wit crimson, his body scarred, bruised, and swollen in too many places to count, not to mention - 

_Oh._

Sticking out of Killua's head were multiple needles. 

_Is that... what I think it is? Were those used for what I think they were?_

The doctor looked up to Gon, consumed by darkness, and Bisky, who didn't seem to be doing well. He started to unclasp his briefcase.

_One... one person at a time. I can't focus on both._

Kurapika was aiding him, occasionally looking up to see how Bisky was dealing with Gon. Stressed, Kurapika let out a sound of frustration. He was constantly looking up at Gon and Bisky before quickly looking back down at Killua, trying to see where he would be most useful.

"Gauze."

With shaking hands, Kurapika fumbled for bit before handing it to Leorio. "I'm sorry, I'm not helping at all, am I? I... I wish I could do more, but so much is happening... and I... I just...  _ca-"_ Kurapika was interrupted by a shriek from Bisky and a panicked yell from Leorio soon after. 

_" - WATCH OUT!"_

_"GON!"_

Nothin was going right. Kurapika didn't know if he should panic or throw up.

First, it had been his arm. Now, it was his leg. 

At this rate, Gon would...

_Die._

"Focus Kurapika, and help me," said Leorio, voice strained. "Killua also needs medical attention, and it's not like we can go out into the battlefield right at this moment. Bisky is over there, trying her best. Choose who you want to help - if you stay indecisive, it could be that both of them will die. 

_"Leorio."_

And as much as Kurapika hated it, his partner was right. 

_Focus. I can't have both of you die. I must choose now, before it's too late._

It was at that moment when Killua decided to get up. 

His eyes were unfocused, whole body shaking unsteadily. Leorio gently tried to push Killua back down, but even in a greatly weakened state, Killua was able to resist. He seemed transfixed by the scene before him, skin a sickly color. 

"Killua, please, lay back down. You've lost too much blood," Kurapika tried to reason.

The albino ignored them.  
  
For a while, the two were blinded, only hearing screams until the winds suddenly stopped, the area suddenly eerily still. Illumi's body was torn and lifeless, and with a twisting feeling in their stomach, Leorio and Kurapika realized Gon's body was in the exact same state as Illumi's. Bisky immediately rushed forward to the raven's crumbled figure. She rushed to Leorio after picking him up. 

"Leorio, what should we do? He's lost too much blood this isn't good  _this isn't good -_ is that  _killua? What..."_

Amazingly, Leorio managed to keep a clinical composure. "I don't have enough materials with me right now. We should try to stop the bleeding in his calf first, then we have to go to the Emergency Room  _as soon as possible._

The three did their best to carry the two young boy's broken bodies to the nearest hospital. 

Feet pounding into the ground, they could only pray and hope that they would not be too late.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is not beta-read by anyone, so sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes.


	9. Chapter 9 - Finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took waaaaaaay too long to write, sorry for making you guys wait! I had a bit of trouble writing it... I erased and rewrote everything way too many times, but I finally managed to write something I didn't hate. I don't know why it was so hard to write... I really hope this chapter is up to you expectations, but if it isn't, I'm very sorry! If I could, I would try to edit and revise it more, but at this point, I don't think I can do much more with it - I don't want to add things just for the sake of adding things, and I did the best I could. 
> 
> So... here's the last chapter to Beauty in the Broken.

* * *

  _I know you want to let go_

_But_

_Let me hold you through it_

_Let me carry you_

_I know it feels you're at the end_

_but here your story's just beginning_

_Though you can't see past this moment_

_I see beauty in the broken_

_I see beauty in the broken_

\- Beauty in the Broken, Hyland

* * *

They were surviving off life support, if that could be counted as "living."

It had been weeks, and no response. At first, everybody had stayed hopeful. _The doctors say that they should be waking up anytime now!_ But it rapidly became clear that recovery was far away. Killua, after fainting, had fallen into a coma. Leorio suspected the needles that had been embedded into his head to be the culprit. At this point, there was guaranteed to be mental whiplash if - _when_ he woke up. They could only hope that the damage done to the albino's mind would not be severe. Calling a nen specialist, they could confirm the needles had been manipulated by Illumi. Leorio shuddered to think what they had been used for. 

They already had experience with Gon's case before, yet that did nothing to help them this time. Gon had made a contract to have _just_ enough power to defeat Illumi. According to his own rules, his twisted power should of have disappeared after defeating the eldest Zoldyck, and woken up soon after. Yet, despite the dark nen disappearing and being seemingly fine, Gon would not open his eyes and showed no signs of doing so any time soon.

Their room, despite being filled with multiple species of flowers and various colored balloons, was gloomy. In the beginning, many people had visited. Friends, relatives, even acquaintances, took time out of their schedule to check up on Gon and Killua. After the first month, the number of people dropping by steadily decreased until there were only three frequent visitors left - Leorio, Kurapika, and Bisky. 

Leorio made his way down the hallway approaching room 217, a room he was in more often than his real home. Softly opening the door, he was greeted by the same sight he had been seeing for the past seven weeks - two beds, two boys, and too many beeping machines to count keeping them alive. In one of the visitor chairs was a figure slumped over, blonde hair messy, eyes closed in slumber. Hearing Leorio enter the room, he blearily cracked open one eye.

"Kurapika! Sorry to wake you. Didn't know you were visiting," said Leorio, whistling. He guilty looked down to the plastic bag in his hands. "Well, actually, I kind of expected you to be here, so I brought some coffee from the vending machine. Drink up, you look as if you haven't slept properly in a long time." The doctor frowned. "But, thats not surprising, seeing that you've been sleeping in chairs for a while now."

"...thanks," said Kurapika drearily, gratefully accepting the glass bottle. "Speak for yourself, Leorio. You look more sleep deprived than I am. When was the last time _you_ slept at home?"

"Good point. But what can I say? I'm stressed," the doctor sighed, sitting on the plastic chair next to Kurapika. "At least Gon should be awake by now, and I'm not sure why he isn't."

Kurapika clutched his bottle tightly, staring vacantly at the ceiling. "...I wonder why that is?"

"You tell me," Leorio grumbled, taking out another bottle from the plastic bag and popping open the lid. 

The room was silent for a while, only filled with the sound of machines and slurping. 

"Leorio... can we talk?" asked Kurapika tensely after a while. 

"Mhm? What's wrong?" 

"I... have to admit that I'm sorry."

Leorio blinked. "What for?"

"I - I, well, during the battle... I didn't do anything helpful. I couldn't. I... there was so much going on, and I wasn't sure what to do, and now they won't wake up, and I can't help but think if I had been more useful and decisive on the field, the outcome could of have been different and they wo-"

"Kurapika," interrupted Leorio, putting down his drink. "Look at me."

With reluctance, the Kurta did, eyes showing uncertainty and... fear. 

"You did your best, not to mention you helped me plenty. So stop talking as if you did nothing, because if it wasn't for your help, I'm positive at least Killua would already be dead and the two of them wouldn't of have been admitted to the hospital on time." Leorio gave a comforting smile. "After all, you're the one who had the directions."

"I guess, but st-"

"Stop right there - we shouldn't be caught up in 'what if' and 'but still.' What happened, happened. Theres not much we can do now except hope, and be thankful they aren't dead."

"How...," Kurapika whispered, shaking. He hadn't meant to be this emotional, but after weeks and weeks of keeping it in, he couldn't stop himself. "How? How can we 'hope?' It's been two months Leorio. _Two_ _months._ How can you speak so positively? I don't get it... I don't  _get it at all._

"Hey hey hey," said Leorio softly. "I know it's pretty hard to do. Sometimes, even I can't help but have negative thoughts - but it's especially at times like these where we have to stay strong and together. Don't talk like they're already dead, cause they're not. As longs as those machines are working, I can't give up. One day, I'm positive we'll meet up again."

"But... for that to happen, we need a miracle."

"Then I guess we'll need to pray for a miracle."

"Leorio is right," said a new voice, startling both the doctor and Kurta.  Swiftly turning their heads, they were met with a surprisingly gentle stare from Bisky.

"Yo," greeted Leorio, waving his hand. Kurapika gave Bisky a soft smile.

"We just need to be patient - these boys are too stubborn to die. They'll wake up soon enough," stated Bisky briskly, entering the room. Her rambunctious attitude lightened the mood. 

Kurapika and Leorio chuckled at the comment. Then Leorio faced Kurapika, instantly dropping the smile.

"Seriously, Kurapika. You did your best - the fact that they've been in the hospital for a while isn't because of you."

"It's because they're idiots," Bisky scoffed.

Kurapika, for the first time in weeks, tenderly smiled. "Thank you. Bisky, come on in and some coffee. You look tired as well," invited Kurapika, holding out the extra glass bottle. 

"Thanks, but I'll pass. I was just going to quickly check up on them and head to lunch. Mind joining me?"

"Sure, it's better than Leorio's cooking," said Kurapika nonchalantly. For once, he felt a tiny bit better. "I know I usually don't go out, but I guess I could use the fresh air."

Leorio ignored the second part of Kurapika's sentence. _Better than_ my  _cooking?_   "HEY! You try to cook for yourself! It isn't as easy as it looks!"

"I already do cook for myself, Leorio, only because you obviously can't, " sighed Kurapika, heading out. Bisky followed, snickering. Leorio, annoyed, started to walk to the reception area where Kurapika and Bisky were heading, mildly cursing under his breath. 

They were worried and scared, of course. But they had each other to help stay focused on a bright future rather than the long shadows.

 _All we need to do... is pray for a miracle._  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Five Days Later_

Killua wasn't sure where he woke up. 

His senses were skewed, and he could barely see in the dark. With a sore throat and muffled hearing, the albino could distinctly make out voices, but was unable to hear nor articulate what and who was speaking. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a desperate cough.

Was he... still in the underground cell?

It was irrational, yet, Killua felt panic take over him. He opened his mouth to scream, to shout, yet was again only met with violent coughing. Illumi... what had happened? His head hurt to try and remember. He... was back in the cell, wasn't he? His 'friends' saving had been a dream, and illusion created by himself, and he would have to endure through more torture...

The albino felt a hand on him and began to struggle. "Illumi," Killua managed to choke out. "No... please, I can't - I give up,  _please."_

He felt himself falling deeper and deeper into a pit of despair - he couldn't see, he couldn't hear and  _someone was there_ and Killua couldn't help but think  _It's Illumi, It's Illumi, It's Illumi..._

_"llua..."_

"Ki...a..."

"...LU..."

"KILLUA!" 

The sudden voice snapped the fog out of Killua's head, and his senses were abruptly sharpened. He... was in a bed? Three familiar auras stood over him, calling his name - none of the presences resembled Illumi in any way. It distinctly smelled like a hospital. The albino needed a few seconds to realize was not underground or in a cell. _I'm not even chained up,_ he silently thought to himself.

"Killua... are you ok? Illumi is gone - you're in a hospital right now," said a voice Killua recognized as Kurapika's. 

He gulped and tried to steady his rapidly beating heart. _Water,_ he gestured.  _I need water._

He felt a paper cup gently being put into in his hand. Nearly spilling the liquid all over himself, the albino managed to ge the cup to his lips and tilt his head back.

"Thank... you," Killua croaked out. "What..."  _What exactly happened?_

Thankfully, they seemed to understand his unfinished question. "It's a bit of a long story," said Bisky, glancing uncertainly at the hospital bed next to his.

"I think... I'm fine for now. I need to know... what happened."  
  
Bisky sighed. "First, rest. You've been depending on tubes for the past 2 months to survive. You need to recover, and rest for at _least_ a week."

"One day," Killua said stubbornly. "I'll rest for one day."

"One day? Are you crazy?" fumed Leorio. "We know you have a fast recovery rate... but,  _one day_ is stretching it."

"After one day of rest, you have to  _promise_ to tell me everything thats -" Killua suddenly stopped speaking. For a scary moment, Killua's body was wracked with coughs. He then continued as if nothing had happened. "b-been going on."

The three of them simply gave Killua menacing stares. 

"Ok fine, maybe I n-need more than a day. Two."

The argument went on for a while. In the end, they ended up compromising three days. Then, Killua was promised to hear the truth.

Deep down, Killua wasn't sure if he was ready. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gon didn't want to wake up.

So he didn't.

The raven haired boy wasn't sure how that worked. But, his body had complied to his wishes and he wasn't going to complain.

He could only imagine - the disappointed stares, the hurt expressions. If he woke up, he would have to face himself and all of the mistakes he had made. Just thinking about it made him shudder with dread.

Gon hated himself for running away like this. He knew that sooner or later, he would be forced to open his eyes and deal with whatever reality brought. 

_I'm so weak..._

_I don't want to wake up..._

Sometimes, Gon could hear snippets of what was going on in the outside world. He heard the voices of his friends and family, full of worry. What concerned Gon the most was that he had never heard Killua's voice.

_I did defeat Illumi and save Killua, right?_

... _or did I fail that too?_

A part of him knew that the longer he waited, the heavier the weight would be when he woke up. But he didn't care. For now, the raven haired boy just wanted to be lost in the blank nothingness that surrounded him taking him further and further away from reality.

He hated to admit it but he was weak and scared, damn it  _he was weak and scared._ He wasn't even sure if Killua was ok. But... he couldn't bring himself to wake up to check either. Dejected and torn, the raven haired boy simply waited.

What he was waiting for, he wasn't sure.

Gon wasn't sure how long he had stayed dormant like this. Hours? Days? Possibly even months? He tried to listen as best as possible, tried to hear what was going on outside of his little bubble. 

The raven knew his time of waiting was over when he heard a achingly familiar voice. 

He was filled with both dread and determination.

* * *

"Killua please -"

"No."

"We don't even know if he can hear y-"

"I  _said,_ I'm gonna stay here."

Leorio sighed, rubbing his eyes. Three days had come and gone, and now was amazingly stubborn despite his fragile mental state.  _An aftereffect of those needles,_ the doctors explained to Leorio.  _It was inevitable. We're not entirely sure of the consequences yet, so keep an eye on him._

"I want to stay here until Gon wakes up."

"Killua, I don't think thats going to be anytime soon. Its been a bit over two months since you've been admitted. And I'm sorry to say, there hasn't been much progress."

"Yeah but  _I_ woke up. Look, I don't see whats wrong. It's not like I can _leave_ anyways."

It was true - despite being physically advanced, being bedridden for more than 7 weeks was bound to affect even someone like Killua. He was embarrassed to admit it, but it had taken him hours to move to a chair next to Gon's bed.

 _'"Fine._ But make sure to eat and sleep properly, ok?" Leorio worriedly glanced at the albino. Killua, being observant, noticed and gave a reassuring smile. It was small, and his face was stretched awkwardly, but it was genuine.

"You should get some rest and go home, Leorio."

"I can't believe  _you're_ the one telling me that."

Killua glared at the doctor down until he sighed and began to pack his bags. "Don't do anything crazy, ok? I'll be back by tomorrow morning."

"Sure."

Leorio glanced back once more before exiting, and suddenly the room was quiet.

There was only Gon and Killua.

"Hey... Gon. Can you hear me?"

Of course, there was no response.

"I'm not gonna leave this room until you wake up. So don't worry. You won't believe what happened the other day..."

And thats all the boy did for the next few days - talk and talk and talk, even though there wasn't any sign that Gon was actually listening. He told Gon about his day, and kept him updated on everything that had happened and was happening.

"Ok, don't you think you've been in the hospital long enough?" reasoned Bisky one day.

"I said I was gonna leave when he wakes up, and he hasn't yet. So, not really," Killua shot back.

"Why don't you go home and come back?"

"Too much work."  
  
Bisky gave a groan, exasperated, knowing that arguing was a lost cause. "Whatever, I made you some food today. Eat up."

"Thanks!" Killua grabbed the container out of Bisky's hand greedily.  _I swear, that boy gets more and more hyper everyday._

While Bisky was musing, she missed out on two very important things.

One - Gon had moved. It wasn't much - a small twitch. But it was something. It was a sign. 

Two - Killua had suddenly stopped moving. For a small second, his whole body seized and his eyes dilated. Slightly shaking a few seconds later, Killua managed to get back to his chair without making too big of a deal.  _It's happening more and more often,_ Killua thought, checking to see if Bisky had seen him.

She hadn't. 

After that, Bisky took her leave and once again it was only Gon and Killua, alone in a hospital room.

Killua was relieved that he had not been caught and at the same time, disappointment nobody noticed. _Some mental damage is inevitable..._ Leorio's words echoed around his head. Defeated, he lay his head on the white sheets.

"Please...," Killua whispered to Gon's immobile body. "Wake up soon."

It took a while for the raven haired boy to show another sign of life.

* * *

It was a day like any other, with Killua recapping the past few hours.

"So basically, Leorio thought it was a good idea to try and cook. Trust me, you're lucky that you're unable to eat, that stuff was  _the worst._ Who let him cook? Wouldn't Kurapika stop a disaster like this from happening? I swear, as soon as Leorio came in with that container, I knew the world was ending," joked Killua.

An awkward pause followed.  _Beep. Beep. Beep._

The sound of machines was second nature to Killua now. The albino silently looked up to the spotless ceiling, sighing. 

"Gon... Leorio says you're in perfect health right now, so why aren't you waking up?"

He asked the question every day. And every single day, there was no response.

Killua paused, thinking, fuming. He hated it. Hated the silence that inevitably came after every question, hated the way Gon wouldn't react  _at all,_ hated that nothing was happening.

Hated the fact that he was starting to despair.  

The sound of machines seemed haunting now. _Beep. Beep. Beep._

 _Every time that stupid machine beeps,_ Killua thought bitterly,  _it just reminds me how... dead... Gon has been._

He wasn't sure what triggered it - but Killua soon found tears running down his cheeks.

_Am I... crying?_

"Gon... why?" The silver haired boy wasn't even expected a response anymore - he was simply rambling, trying his best to stop the tears. "What's wrong? Is it... me? Is it because you don't want to face me?" It wasn't working. In fact, it was becoming increasingly difficult to talk when he was also trying not to sob. More tears fell, decorating Gon's bed with dark dots. 

He almost missed it though blurry eyes, but his acute senses caught it - a twitch.  Killua held his breath.  

"I obviously... can't understand everything." He said slowly. "But... I heard what you did to save me. And what was probably going through your mind at the time." The silver haired boy tried to stop shaking. 

He couldn't. 

"I'm so sorry Gon... sorry... so sorry... I messed up didn't I? I messed up... sorry..." at this point, Killua didn't know what else to say besides 'sorry.' How could he express himself? How could he truly project the fact that he felt guilty? That everyday, waking up was getting harder and harder? 

Despite himself, Killua finally let out a sob.

It was pathetic, but he couldn't stop - he could barely see through tears and his lungs felt as if they were burning from every noise that escaped his mouth. _"I'm sorry,"_ Killua tried to choke out between gasps.  _"I'm so sorry,"_  Killua repeated.  _"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."_

Taking a shuddering breath, Killua somehow managed to stop himself.

"Gon... will you ever wake up?"

Silence. Of course. Killua hung his head low, cheeks wet with tears, voice shaky.  _Does he actually hear me? No... he probably doesn't... I've been talking to nothing this whole time, right? Have I been an idiot for wanting to stay here until he wakes up?_

_What am I going to do now?_

"Why are you sorry?"

The albino shot his head up, eyes wild. "G-Gon?"

With his heart beat increasing in speed, Killua could only stare. Stare as he  _finally_ got a response. 

Stare as Gon finally opened his eyes.

"Killua, why are you sorry?" Gon repeated, voice raspy from misuse. "I'm the one who messed up... I'm the one who caused so much pain..."

"...Gon," Killua said, unable to hide the shaking in his voice.

"I don't deserve your apologies." A tear fell from Gon's once-bright eyes. More soon followed.

Seeing Gon cry, Killua realized just how different they were. While Killua had wailed, like a child, with big loud sobs, Gon was silent. His eyes were devoid of emotion. His body was completely still unlike Killua's shaking body. 

Yet, despite their differences, he couldn't help but feel... empathy. He understood. The anguish. The pain. The guilt. 

The horrible weight of their past actions.

"I could say the same to you," Killua croaked. "I guess we could say that we both messed up pretty badly, huh?"

"I guess."

Killua managed a weak smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes. "Gon, don't be sorry. I forgave you a while ago."

"Killua..." Gon said, voice unnaturally quiet. "Is it ok... if I stay by your side? Are you sure it's... safe? I would," he gulped, trying to find the right words. "I would personally be fine with it... but are you sure you want to be around someone like me? Someone who's made so many mistakes, and keeps on repeating them?"

It took a while for Killua to respond. "I know I've gotten hurt from being around you..." Gon flinched. "And you've gotten hurt from being with me... but. But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It'd be unrealistic to be in a relationship - whatever kind it may be - and expect it to be perfect."

"Does that mean it's ok?"

"Yeah," Killua breathed. "I think, if we both do our best, we can help each other."

Gon simply smiled and looked at the hospital sheets, wet with tears. "I messed up pretty badly huh?" He silently pushed it away to survey the damage to his legs. Or rather, leg. 

"I'm starting to think that you're crazy for not hating me," Gon sighed.

"I probably am a little crazy," Killua said harshly, instantly regretting his tone. "I mean...," Killua shook nervously.  "I meant to say that... that Illumi's little  _experiment_ didn't do much good. Sometimes... even if I know he's gone, I still find myself back in that cell... with those needles...  _and it's stupid and I know it'll never happen_ _again_ yet... I'm scared. I keep on going back to that place, and now matter how many times I tell myself it's just a dream, or a flashback,  _it feels real._ "

It was strange, saying that out loud. It was... revealing. Personal. Something he would never share.

But everything was strange with Gon.

"I'm scared too," Gon stated, taking Killua's hand into his own. "I'm scared... but I feel a bit better, knowing that you're scared too. Knowing that I'm not the only one who's... broken."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I trust you. Even though you've said all those things, I trust you. Even if you're 'imperfect', I trust you."

Killua gulped.

"Thank you...Gon. Thank you." 

And then, just for that small moment, everything was fine. 

They had no idea what the future would hold. How could two kids who had gone through so much help each other when they could barely help themselves?  

Yet, they would be fine.

Because they both saw beauty in the broken. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END  
> Well, this fic was really fun to write, thank you everyone for reading/supporting me~  
> I'll be participating in the HxH big bang (check it out on [tumblr](http://hxhbb.tumblr.com)) so I probably won't be writing anything else until i'm done with that, feel free to check it out when i'm done! My tumblr is [@allu-ria](http://allu-ria.tumblr.com) (yes the URL changed), if you ever want to talk, go ahead:)  
> Sorry the ending was pretty sappy...  
> This is the first fanfic I've ever posted/finished, so I'm so glad to every reader out there, all of your comments and kudos really mean a lot to me. I hope I can get better and better at writing!  
> Once again, I thank you all for reading and sorry for the long wait!


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